COMMENTS AND FEELINGS

. . . thanks to all of you who have left comments, it's good to know that others understand how I'm feeling.

Referrals have started to arrive and so far only families with LIDs of 25th and 26th have been contacted, it's looking very likely that this month has only got 2 days of referrals. That's just made the wait another 29 days longer (31 days since the last batch, only 2 days matched). Ugh.

So how am I feeling? Well, I've had visitors for the last two days and it was good to be busy and distracted. I know that I'm powerless in this part of the process. I listened to rumours and got my hopes up - but even without raised hopes I would have been severely disappointed, just 2 days. Despite the disappointment I will continue to read the rumours, if nothing else they give me hope and give me a place to be where people innately understand how I feel - there's something reassuring about being with people who simply understand the situation from the inside. I'm disappointed for everyone in the process 2 days is a blow.

2 days is the least they have done in the time I have been following referral stats. It could be because they were matching the babies whose paperwork was completed the previous month - a short month due to the Chinese New Year holiday - i.e. less time for paperwork, less available babies. This theory would be backed up by the pattern of referrals from last year. This is probably the best theory for such a low level of referrals as it would be an unusual situation that won't be replicated in the months to come, hopefully.

One of the problems recently seems to be the lack of information in advance of referrals arriving - the sources in China must have been warned or moved as they seem to have dried up. I don't know why this is as I can't see that they caused a problem.

As soon as the cutoff is known, I start looking forward to the next batch. In the old days (12 months or more ago) I would virtually automatically know that I would be next as I'm the sixth day in the queue (and 2 of the days ahead are minute weekend days) - sadly those days are gone and the process is much slower at the moment. There is a major holiday in China at the beginning of May, so hopefully referrals will arrive before that, hopefully. I'm 6 days from the front of the queue - will I make the cut next time? No-one knows, the 27th is a very big day and the 31st is a HUGE day, added to the fact that they only did 2 days this month, probably not but maybe? Arrgh.

Not only do I want my baby now, or if not now, as soon as possible, but there are other negative implications if my referral does not arrive next month. But there is a silver lining - the longer time before referrals the more likely travel will be delayed until the summer holidays, this would at least be convenient for school.

So all in all, my feelings haven't changed much - sad, confused, bewildered with a glimmer of hope that will one day be my baby.