WONDERING . . . WHEN . . .

Alice grew up . . . so fast . . . tonight I changed her for bed (she's still choosing her cot most nights and ending up with me sometimes!) I put her in a nightie (a recent change from PJs), when she DEMANDED, 'I want seahorsies!' and like a fool, I found the seahorse short PJs and changed her!

Has anyone told her that she's only 2?!

The other sign of growing up - loo roll everywhere but on the roll, she ADORES pulling the end sheet quickly and watching it pile up on the floor, recently she learning to reroll it and tonight I found it rerolled (not having seen it come off the roll!) Sounds daft but it will definitely be a defining moment of PT!

ALICE'S BLANKET

After the visitors left this morning Alice declined to get dressed, so we had a lazy day in our PJs!

After supper Alice wanted to curl up on the sofa and watch some TV, as soon as she got on the sofa she demanded her blanket (the blanket that was finished on the day she was born), then she curled up with Bear and Fuss joined her - they lay like that for over 30 minutes.

CHRISTMAS DAY 2008

Christmas Day, a day I find really hard, despite Alice's presence, I find it difficult to face memories of Mum and Nick and Christmases from the past. Usually I can remember them with a smile, it's more difficult on days like today where there are such specific memories linked to a day. I look at the Christmas tree and remember how Nick would turn the lights on as soon as he got downstairs in the morning, even before putting the kettle on. Every part of Christmas Day holds memories of Mum - probably as so much of it is based around cooking, even I remind myself of her sometimes, especially when I'm cooking her recipes.

However today had many, many happy times too. It's been the best Christmas without Mum that I've had. It's the 6th without Mum and the 5th that I've 'done' the Turkey and all the trimmings. Not only was it the best Christmas for a good while but it was also the best meal - not actually any better than previous years but less stressful to produce, probably because I'm more practiced at producing a roast and this year I used an electric steamer to do 3 of the veg (harder to overcook them and more space on the cooker). This year there was a rhythm to the day. Last year Alice vomited after I'd fed her lunch, this year she ate with us and though she's not completely well (chest infection with antibiotics) she definitely enjoyed the day and understood what was going on.

I woke just after 7am, within 15 minutes I was aware that Alice was stirring. We went downstairs soon after and Alice discovered her sack of pressies. She was very calm and I wasn't sure she understood until she was very quick to answer 'Nes, meese!' when I asked her if she wanted to open a present. She was very good - she ripped each present open, tidied the wrapping into a black bag before having a quick play with the contents and then moving onto the next present (sometimes with a bit of prompting from me!)

We had fruit and freshly baked bread for breakfast at around 9am and then got dressed. C arrived shortly after 10am (after I'd panicked about par-boiling the potatoes in time to put them onto roast!) T and her boys arrived a bit later and helped Alice to open presents from them - T's boys and Alice adore each other and their enjoyment of one another is plain to see.

Alice went to bed after lunch, it was lovely to share our Christmas meal with her this year, but she didn't sleep! (I think that her days of daytime naps are rapidly disappearing, ugh!) After 'nap' time we opened presents - Alice had mostly lost interest by then so there's still quite a pile under the tree for her. C left as it was growing dark and we made our way to our neighbours for a sit down and chat while the children and teenagers played and wound each other up. Alice had her first experience of a N*inetendo W*ii and loved it! She was ready to come home when I asked - not surprising after all she's done today and without a nap.

What I hadn't really anticipated was how much I'd miss Daisy today. Maybe my feelings were magnified by Pudding's imminent arrival, I'm not sure. Daisy adored Christmas - the tree, the turkey and most of all the presents! It was very strange to open presents without a Labrador's nose being stuck to the other side of the wrapping. Also hard to know that just a few miles away is a puppy who'll be home soon, who could already be home - I know I've made the fairest decision not to have her here for the chaos of Christmas but patience is hard!

Overall the best Christmas in years, Alice definitely enjoyed it too and that's the most important thing for me and our best present will be home within a week - now's the time to buy shares in kitchen roll and dog food manufacturers! Happy Christmas.

ALICE'S BAPTISM - MEMORIES

(I'm not sure whether to call this Part 1 or just to keep editing it!)

The vicar forgot to add GFW to the list of Godparents - his name was hidden under the note I'd attached to the form! I quickly corrected him - GFW would never have forgiven me if he'd been overlooked, he'll probably never let me forget it either!

Alice. Happy, beautiful, bringing such joy.

Alice - wanting to look in the font repeatedly.

Being surrounded by friends and family - their presence alone confirming their love for Alice.

But most of all - Alice, rebaptising herself several times after the service (still in the vicar's arms!!) She liked it so much that he brought her a shell of her own - so that she can do it again at home!

Please comment and add your own memories.

LOTS OF MEMORIES - OLD AND NEW

Today we went to the place that used to be a Zoo - it's still the same place, bigger and improved but no longer called a zoo.

Mum was very much in my thoughts whilst we were there, it was one of her favourite things to do on the island and she would insist we went every holiday. She loved the Gorillas in particular - they were out in force today and as fascinating as ever to watch, I love them just as much as Mum did and Alice seems to share our love of them - she was transfixed by the 'Muggees', both the gorillas and the orangutans (the babies played inside for ages, totally absorbed in play, wonderful to watch).

I'M NEAR HEAVEN AND ALICE IS IN LOVE!

Rewind to Friday (just). I got up at 2.30am, by 2.50 I was showered and Alice was ready for the car seat, for the first time ever the **** thing had come unplumbed, the car was loaded and so refitting the seat took some effort at that time of the 'morning' too!! Unfortunately Alice woke up while I was trying to find the holes in the travel grobag - she slept for bits of the journey.

After an uneventful drive to Weymouth we were in good time for the ferry. Luckily we had a calm crossing, the only stress of the journey was the parking position we were given on the ferry - I could barely open Alice's door (and due to luggage I couldn't get her out on my side!), I couldn't open my door and had to climb across - on arrival both these doors were completely blocked and no-one was around to help, sounds simple now but it was stressful at the time.

We were at the hotel (in Jersey) by 11.30am and within 10 minutes our room was ready! I managed to unpack before lunch. We had lunch on the terrace overlooking the sea in the sunshine - my favourite place in the world (when the sun is shining)! After her afternoon snooze I decided that we'd better make the most of the reasonable weather (I knew the forecast was rotten from Saturday onwards), the tide was low so we trekked down - lots of new things for Alice, she'd never been to the beach before but didn't seem to mind the sand (it's a beautiful sandy beach), she never seen the sea before - we went slowly but very soon she was hooked!! She adored the sea and the waves, she stood still and let the waves wash over her feet and legs (it was coming in so it soon got deeper), her feet became buried in sand and she had to be persuaded to move back. Eventually I had to pull her away, she walked sideways and soon made it clear 'Dat!' 'MORE, MORE, MORE!!' that she liked the sea and wasn't ready to leave. Unfortunately the downside of single motherhood is only 1 pair of hands so there are no photos only glorious memories. Then we went swimming before room service suppers for both of us - a great day.

Today we went shopping, Alice was OK to begin with but got teary just before noon, in hindsight I think that she was hungry, oops. M&S sandwiches and pasta salad for lunch, then we both took a snooze before having a swim. Alice had a babysitter to visit this evening while I had a superb meal downstairs, yum! Unfortunately the weather today (and forecast for the rest of the holiday) is wet which doesn't make for the best use of the hotel or its location.

This hotel is really special to me - I first came here with my Mum and her parents when I was about a year older than Alice is now and have been coming back ever since, unfortunately not as often as I'd like and more recently only every 2 or 3 years. I love it here but the last few trips have been a challenge as this place is loaded with lovely memories of family who are no longer with me. It's wonderful being here with Alice and starting a whole new chapter of history here. It's as good as ever except for the Children's menu which isn't as diverse or child friendly as it used to be!!

EASTER - 2007 TO 2008

Several times today I reflected on the difference a year (ish) can make - thinking back to last Easter.

2007 - In the fortnight before Easter referral rumours started again. The previous month's referrals had got to the 24th October, my date was the 1st November - I was the 8th day in the queue. I didn't believe that I'd make the Easter referral batch, then the rumours grew stronger and it was rumoured that my date would be included. For the first few days of rumours I was strong, but as they grew stronger I began to hope and believe that I could be included that time around. I was interviewed for the Radio 4 programme about adopting from China, spirits were high, the weather was good, everything looked positive. Then referrals arrived, only 2 days worth, devastation and panic. Only 2 days, how many more months would I have to wait? Would I have to go back to school in September? Easter 2007 was hard, the uncertainty of if and when referral would arrive for me, the balancing act for school, the thought of a baby waiting in an orphanage or foster care, most of all not knowing if there was someone there to hold her while she drank her bottle or to comfort her when she cried . So many unknowns creating doubt and sadness.

In hindsight it's easy to say 'I should have been strong, I should have savoured those times of being carefree and independent,' but the reality then was that I was desperate to know that referral would arrive, to know about my baby, to stop talking about the conditional and start knowing facts - to see my baby, to know her name, to know all about her and to hold her in my arms.

2008 - my arms, my life and my heart is full. Alice is here. Alice is wonderful. Motherhood is a fantastic challenge.

MEMORIES OF CYPRUS, FEBRUARY 2005

We went for a week. We stayed in a 4* Cypriot hotel and quickly remembered that Cypriot 4* doesn't equate to British 4*!

We had a family room, it was quite tight for space with 2 adults and 2 children. M was 4 and C 2. It was M's first year at school (now she's in the Juniors!) As was typical for C as a very youngster, she was poorly while we were away.

Memories . . . lots of fish . . . scampi . . . a fish restaurant, very good but we had communication problems . . . several national football teams staying in our hotel and the surrounding ones . . . a beach with black sand (was it The Governor's Beach?) . . . M and the girls getting very wet from an expected wave on the black sand beach . . . struggling to find the camel park . . . the camel park . . . very friendly camels . . . shopping . . . play park . . . good times.

CATCHING UP - TUESDAY 18th, THE TREE

I know that the exposure etc on the photo are odd - but it was the only photo from a few that showed that the lights were on! I took it before the angel was put on the top.

We spent yesterday morning decorating the tree. I decorated whilst trying to keep Alice away from the tree and the boxes of decorations! I tried to put the more Alice-friendly bits towards the bottom and many baubles didn't make it onto the tree this year (in fear of the Alice effect on the ornaments or tree!) Although the tree has plenty of decorations on it, you'd never know I'd even started the decorating by the looks of the boxes - they're still virtually full. Anticipating the next few years - while Alice and then Lil Sis are small, I think I may need to have a more sophisticated tree with the delicate ornaments (the ones with many memories) somewhere out of small people's way!

MY GIRL (REVISED)

Last night I watched a slide show of the photos from the first week in China. Today we watched the video that N took while we met the girls on 1st July. Emotional times. I can't believe that it's only been 4 and a half months, the girls have changed SO much.

One of the wonderful things about today was how easy it was - the girls and the grown-ups relaxed together and just enjoyed being together, great times, special times.

Today is also a significant anniversary for Alice - I spent the week thinking about it and then (luckily) we were so busy that I didn't remember until late in the evening. Today her birth parents will be thinking of their child, today I remember her birth parents and thank them for their bravery. I wish they could know the happiness she brings and the tremendous child that she is, I hope that they have peace with what they did.

BUT A SAD EVENING

. . . I can't help it. Today's the anniversary of my step-father's death. I blogged about it last year, you can read it in the archives, or find it here.

I keep hoping that with time and especially now that Alice is home that these anniversaries will get easier, so far they haven't. Despite a wonderful day today I kept having flashbacks to 2001.

When we woke up on Saturday November 3rd 2001 we didn't know what the day would hold. Nick was terminally ill with stomach cancer, we knew he was dying but we thought he had longer to live. I blogged about his final day when I remembered publicly his death last year on the anniversary (privately he's thought of every day), so this year I'll blog about his illness.

Early on in the year he began to have problems eating - they food just didn't go down easily. He went for investigations and on the Wednesday before Easter we were told that he had stomach cancer. At that time we believed that he would have an operation that would be a cure. Days later, after an MRI scan, we were told that the cancer had spread, an operation was no longer the best treatment, he had spots of cancer on his liver and so he would never be cured. They hoped that chemo would put him into remission for a year or 2, then they anticipated that it would recur, more chemo with hopefully another remission - his life expectancy was 3-5 years.

Nick had had a monk's hairline (bald on top) for as long as Mum and I had known him, ironically the aspect of his treatment that he found most difficult was loosing his hair. He never went totally bald, but was left with very fine, white hair, more sparsely spread across the sides and back of his head. The hair that remained was lovely and beautifully soft.

The chemo was brutal. His tumour was small but unfortunately it grew across the entrance to the stomach and so made it difficult for food to get passed. The combination of eating problems and the effects of the chemo were more harsh than anyone could have predicted - less than 9 months after symptoms started and less than 7 months after diagnosis, he was dead. (23 months later Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly, but that's another post.)

He was a gentle gentleman with a wicked sense of humour and a great capacity to love. This year I miss him in yet another way - he would love Alice and would have such fun with her. This year I mourn the relationship that they are both missing.

ANOTHER ANNIVERSARY - WITH YET ANOTHER TOMORROW!

Today - 6 months.

It's 6 months, 6 incredible months since I learnt of my baby's details.

On 30th April I learnt that my date was included - I wasn't quite sure that I'd be included as I'd sent an update to my dossier and other people who'd done the same sometimes found that they'd been moved back in the queue. I rang the Dfes but they knew (or were admitting) nothing.

Most people would have rung again the following day, but I was on a school trip to Swansea and it wasn't really convenient.

The next day I went into school and explained the situation, it was arranged that I could be released from the classroom at 1.30pm (the time we go back into class after lunch) to ring the Dfes and ask. As sometimes happens in school, plans changed and at the last minute I had to be in class with a student teacher, I was given special permission to ring from the corner(!) I wasn't in my classroom, but with the class I taught during my homestudy, in the classroom that I started in in my school. I stood in the corner watching a class do PE on the yard, I rang and got through within 5 minutes, lady went to check referrals and came back and told me I had been matched, the tears flowed, I asked for details, she went off again, I stood crying and wondering if she really had said I had a match whilst also telling myself she wouldn't have anything to check without being matched! She came back, asked me if I wanted her to spell the name, she did, relatively easy name to pronounce (phew!), then I had to ask if 'it' was a girl! She gave 'her' date of birth, I had to double check it as she was SO young. By now the tears were flowing freely, whilst the colleague outside wondered what on earth was happening. Then, for some reason, I moved around the classroom and rang C to find out if she'd asked, told her my baby was very young and the province and then got off the phone so that she could find out about her baby. After that I went to the school office - I had to tell someone about my baby!! By then I was shaking and in floods of tears with a huge grin over my face! Lots of whooping and cuddles, incredible. I didn't leave the class for long (they did have someone teaching and 2 helpers in the class) and then I sent a few texts to tell the world about my daughter - including her birthday (which I got wrong, by a day!)

I had to stay in school for a special meeting until nearly 6pm (that was really tough). Just after I got home, D arrived with a card and pressies, my first celebration. Later in the evening, C came round with a Chinese takeaway, yum.

What a day! It was made even more memorable as it was my Grandmother's birthday, she would have been 94. It felt right to find out about my family on a day that was already a special day in my family.

And a daft coincidence . . . every applicant who goes through the Dfes for Intercountry Adoption is given a reference number, 3 letters and then 4 numbers, my 3 letters were AHM - my daughter's initials.

ALICE IS 1 TODAY!

Alice woke up smiling - as usual, but quite early! Bottle in Mummy's bed as usual before wearing her dungarees that GMA brought back from her summer hols in Florida. I only put her in them today to see how they fitted, size 18 months - perfect, I still can't believe how she's growing!! Then we went downstairs for Alice's breakfast - she loves scrambled eggs and this morning's eggs were from GMJ, delicious!

We went off to Waitrose for some last minute party essentials before coming home for a few cards and pressies and some time to play with Mum.

Alice had her favourite for lunch - Mummy's homemade roast chicken gunk with 7 veggies followed by fromage frais. Unusually she went to sleep almost immediately when I put her down after lunch but only snoozed for 70 minutes or so. (Meanwhile I dashed round like a mad thing, making sandwiches, cooking sausages, peeling veggies (to have with dip), etc!)

Our first party guests arrived early as they had to leave early - it was lovely to see them and getting here early meant that we had some quiet time with them over a cuppa, super!! Lots of visitors and loads of pressies, stacks of food and masses of cups of tea and coffee, a lovely afternoon - thank you to everyone who came, it was great to see you and to celebrate Alice's birthday with you.

Alice has now decided that she does like jelly (but she prefers orange to red, just like Mum and Grandma!) and she does like ice cream, satsumas are still her favourite though. She ate her tea with the usual gusto, trying cheesy puffs, midget gems, party rings and sausages. She wasn't so sure with what to do with the candles on her birthday cake - so E, A and Mummy let some puff.

She went to bed nearly an hour late, but played very happily until 5 minutes before going upstairs. She was so tired that she was asleep before I could turn her mobile on and she's stayed in the exact same position as I put her down which is very unusual. Not a murmur since, bless her. Another lovely day, we are so lucky.

Photo 1 - kissy face at breakfast.
Photo 2 - examining her 1st birthday badge at lunchtime.
Photo 3 - in her party frock, playing with the wrapping!
Photo 4 - with her cake, with Alice candles.

MY BABY

My Mum always used to refer to me as "My Baby!" I took exception to this and objected strongly. As a fully grown woman, a teacher with a class of my own, I wasn't a baby.

Tonight I put Baby Alice to bed for the last time. Tomorrow My Alice will get up, a (big) little girl, but she will ALWAYS be "My Baby!"

Now I understand. Love you Mum, wish you were here - I'd never object to you calling me that again. Love My Baby too.

YESTERDAY AND A PRESENT!

Thanks for the kind wishes, texts, comments, blogs (check out 3CMum) and calls.

It's over for another year and I feel OK today, not sure whether tomorrow will be bad or not. Usually my birthday (10th) is worse than the actual anniversary (12th), not sure why - memories of both days from 2003 are very clear in my memory.

Jolly wouldn't get out of bed this morning, I'm still extremely worried about her - she's my oldest Cavalier but she's only 10.

. . . and the present? (3CMum - have you guessed yet?)

?

?

?

?

?
It's a Bugaboo Bee, a new LIGHTWEIGHT, SINGLE FOLD, pushchair. They won't be released over here until February next year, mine should arrive in about 2 weeks - postal strike permitting!

THE GOOD BITS . . .

. . . a card . . . from Alice, with her hand prints inside. I think she might have had some help from T (who knew how much I wanted to record her hand print) - definitely a card for Mummy to treasure.

An evening out . . . good company, good food, good time - thanks N.

Good news . . . new baby O . . . news from J about son J (fab!)

Lots of friends . . . who care and made my day brighter with calls, texts, visits, birthday serenades. (I was especially glad to hear from J, she knows why, xxx)

But most of all . . . my Alice - who I love more everyday (though everyday I think that it's impossible to love her more tomorrow than I do today), who's already brought me so much hope and happiness, she's incredible - but I think by now some of you may know how I feel!

TONIGHT I HELD MY BABY AND CRIED

. . . overwhelmed with emotion.

My baby teased me and kissed thin air! She knows how to kiss. I've been kissing her, multiple times each day, since July 1st, she's never returned the emotion. But tonight Alice made the kissy sound, her lips sort of puckered, Mummy held her tight, rocked her and cried!

Attachment continues - she now whinges when I walk away from her, especially when we're out and about, she continues to whinge as I return until we're within touching distance. That whinge is a sweet sound at the moment - a sign that my baby recognises I'm important to her and wants to be with me. She's also making it clear that she doesn't want to talk to people she doesn't recognise, even when they're friendly. Only a few weeks ago she would go to most people (if Mummy would let them, or wasn't quick enough to stop them!) without complaining - not any more!

Day by day the love deepens and grows, even when I feel overwhelmed with love for her. It's an incredible feeling and worth every second of the wait.

It's an emotional week anyway this week - with both our birthdays, the anniversary of Mum's death and the memories of last year and thoughts of events at home and somewhere in Yunnan as my baby was being born.

MAJOR WEEK

Earlyish October is the most major week of the year for us, a week of celebrations, emotions and memories.

10th - Mummy's birthday
12th - anniversary of Grandma's death (4 years ago this year)
14th - 2nd anniversary of finally being DTC (Dossier to China)
15th - Alice's 1st birthday

As well as all of those I have friends with birthdays on the 11th and the 13th!

WHAT A FAB DAY!

Memories of my uncle, led on to memories of my Mum and step-dad, led to quite an emotional start to the day.

Then . . . visitors . . . loads of them . . . just what I needed. What a day - old and new friends from close-by and afar.

This morning J (friend and ex-colleague) and K (friend and still a colleague!) came for coffee, it was lovely to catch up with both of them. J hadn't seen Alice for a while and I'm always interested to see how people think that she has changed.

Alice had lunch and then her lunchtime snooze and whilst she was asleep I sprinted to Waitrose before the next set of visitors. K, her son G and daughter C (C came home from China 2 years ago) all came for a playdate. Before the end of their visit a stranger returned - N!!

We hadn't seen him for a month, but Alice knew him instantly. It was lovely to see him again and wonderful to see Alice with him (notice how Fusspot gravitated to him too!) He thought she'd grown, grown-up, become less wobbly and that her hair was longer and thicker. Looking back I can't believe the changes in just over a month, already my baby is becoming more self-assured, confident and determined, she's got a wicked sense of humour, she's extremely ticklish and has a wonderful, deep, dirty laugh of a giggle.

Oh, and food today - homemade gunk for lunch (veggie and tomato sauce and pasta flowers) and tea (the roast chicken one again - more provisions bought in Waitrose for a repeat!)

A POIGNANT DAY

Not only is it Mum's birthday, it's also the day that Alice managed the 'm' sound!! I thought I was hearing things this morning, but this afternoon it's been "Mum, mum, mum!" all the way - what a day to conquer that one.