2 YEARS ON, WHAT WE DID TODAY!

I 'treated' Alice to a bath first thing this morning, she loves water!

As soon as she was dressed I reminded her that it was 'Alice Day' and asked what that meant, whilst she didn't tell me about China, she did remember that it meant presents! We came downstairs, she found her pile of pressies in the hall and immediately sat down and ripped them open. A hoola hoop, egg and spoon race set and a princess DVD, later in the day a new large flat panda arrived.

We had a usual Wednesday morning - a music and drama group followed by a trip to the supermarket! Then we came home so that I could put the fudge cake together and ice the cupcakes - Alice requested that they become pink and so I had to pop round to Nana Next Door to 'borrow' some red food colouring (despite 1 home delivery and 2 supermarket trips in the last 24 hours!)

This afternoon we had a series of visitors, M, T and her sons L and CC, GFN and D and A, we drank long, iced drinks and ate cake whilst the littlies splashed in the water table and paddling pool.

While GFN was here Alice took advantage of his indulgent nature and splashed him repeatedly, I decided to splash her back with her water (but forgot that at the last minute when I was making the drink that Alice had requested squash instead) and so I dowsed her with squash!! Just an excuse to tip more water down her back!

It was a much more low-key day than last year but just as much fun and another day packed full of happy memories. Tonight, as every night, I'm counting my blessings and I can't believe my luck.

1ST JULYS - 07, 08,09

I struggle to believe the changes in just 2 years.

In order the photos are:
2007 - just back from meeting Alice, in the hotel room, within 2 hours of the first moments.
2008 - in the playroom, I remember being amazed at how grown up Alice looked sitting like a 'big girl'!
2009 - coming downstairs this morning, anticipating presents!

2 WONDERFUL YEARS AGO

I woke up for the start of another normal week. I had a doctor's appointment and then I went on to aqua aerobics. The doc and my aqua friends were all aware that referral time was looming again, several people asked about the situation and I said that it could be soon but it might be another 2 or 3 months away.

It was a busy morning, I got home at noon and immediately rang my buddy 3CMum and refreshed RQ (a website for those following the Chinese Adoptive situation). C answered the phone I asked whether there was any news and as I did so RQ's leading post was that new referrals were arriving and that 1st Nov 05 was likely to be the cutoff, midway through asking C a question I blurted out . . . 'OMG I'm in!' or something like that! I could cry just remembering that lunchtime, it took 2 more days before I could confirm that I'd been referred a child and to discover that my baby was still so young and 7 days after that I finally got to look at my baby for the very first time, sitting in my car outside A'g sorting office before 7am!

The April 07 archive's here.

(Sadly that was 24 months ago and in the time since then just over 4 months more have been referred, my wait was 17 months (which was agony) but now some of those still in the queue have been waiting nearly 3 years and 2 months - my heart goes out to those people still waiting.)

NEVER FORGOTTEN

My Mum.

Today is the 5th anniversary of her death. I find the 10th (my birthday) is usually a harder day than the 12th.

This year things were a little easier - I miss Mum every day but I've got to a point where I can't regret her death. Her death was as she would have wished - quick and unexpected, very hard for me but hopefully not for her. Mum's death was the direct stimulus to begin my adoption of Alice - I am glad to have regained a positive outlook and once again have joy in my life, thanks to Alice. I can't regret Mum's death as I wouldn't have Alice - the 2 people I love most in my life and they never knew each other. Last year should have been a little easier (for Alice's presence in my life) however a very sick dog (who I shared with Mum) made it harder again.

Mum died on a Sunday evening. This year is the first time that this anniversary had fallen on a Sunday. I purposely chose this day to have Alice baptised. I wanted to turn a day with dreadful associations into a day of celebration. We prayed for Mum and Nick at the baptism. Never a day passes without thoughts of them both.

Today I smiled. My daughter is a joy and the light of my life - she's brought smiles, giggles, silliness and such happiness. Today we celebrated Alice and remembered Mum. Today was a good day, Mum and Nick must have been with us - the weather (after such a dreadful summer) was incredible, warm with a gentle breeze, we spent most of the party in the garden. Today I managed to celebrate and be thankful, the tears stayed away til this evening (I couldn't type this without tears). Mum would wish to be remembered with a smile, today I am a lot closer to being able to do that, the fate of the 12th has been changed.

Always remembered. Always loved. Always and forever.

SSSSSSSHHHHHHH, CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?! (AKA - NOW YOU KNOW JUST HOW SOFT I REALLY AM!!)

Tomorrow Alice will find out that there was something UNDERNEATH the box - a white rocking horse.

Now it needs a name - any ideas?

(I hope that this works - I'm trying a new 'blogger' trick, posting ahead of time and setting the publish time and date!)

6 MONTHS - WHAT A DIFFERENCE

I read many blogs - I look at the comparison photos and can't believe the changes.

I look at these photos and am even more amazed - I recognise the baby in the first photo but it seems like a lifetime ago, did somone switch her in the night? When did she get so big and grown up? WOW.

6 MONTHS WITH MY BABY

. . . but where'd my baby go?!

In the past month:

• Alice has gained 2 more teeth (first molar or premolar top left and the tooth in front) and more are very close to breaking through.
• Her hair is now long enough to clip back - it need it!
• She's babbling more and more, with more real words coming in too.
• Since Christmas she's now saying 'Ta,' and giving a thank you kiss for clean nappies, bottles, meals and for free sometimes too (kisses were in short supply for a day or 2 around Christmas, but she's re-found her supply now!)
• She's much steadier on her feet - standing without support for longer and longer, walking unaided should happen very soon.
• This month her favourite toys are all Christmas presents - the farm from GFN, breakfast set from GMA, roly musical shape sorter and small panda. Favourite foods continue to be satsumas, fromage frais, cheese and chocolate, her favourite meal is roast chicken with all the trimmings.
• This month she tried drinking from a cup - she got pretty good until I swapped her back to bottles to get her to drink more.
• She's also become more affectionate - initiating more kisses and cuddles and sharing Panda.
• She gives me panda to hug, then I give her panda and she hugs panda, then I have panda back again and we share a hug - every handover is accompanied by 'Ta,' and every hug is accompanied by 'Arrr!' It's very sweet and we both get obvious enjoyment from it.
• The only negative is that sleeping is an issue at the moment - she's taking longer and longer to fall asleep (especially in the evening) and sometimes cries going into her cot.
  

MY GIRL (REVISED)

Last night I watched a slide show of the photos from the first week in China. Today we watched the video that N took while we met the girls on 1st July. Emotional times. I can't believe that it's only been 4 and a half months, the girls have changed SO much.

One of the wonderful things about today was how easy it was - the girls and the grown-ups relaxed together and just enjoyed being together, great times, special times.

Today is also a significant anniversary for Alice - I spent the week thinking about it and then (luckily) we were so busy that I didn't remember until late in the evening. Today her birth parents will be thinking of their child, today I remember her birth parents and thank them for their bravery. I wish they could know the happiness she brings and the tremendous child that she is, I hope that they have peace with what they did.

BUT A SAD EVENING

. . . I can't help it. Today's the anniversary of my step-father's death. I blogged about it last year, you can read it in the archives, or find it here.

I keep hoping that with time and especially now that Alice is home that these anniversaries will get easier, so far they haven't. Despite a wonderful day today I kept having flashbacks to 2001.

When we woke up on Saturday November 3rd 2001 we didn't know what the day would hold. Nick was terminally ill with stomach cancer, we knew he was dying but we thought he had longer to live. I blogged about his final day when I remembered publicly his death last year on the anniversary (privately he's thought of every day), so this year I'll blog about his illness.

Early on in the year he began to have problems eating - they food just didn't go down easily. He went for investigations and on the Wednesday before Easter we were told that he had stomach cancer. At that time we believed that he would have an operation that would be a cure. Days later, after an MRI scan, we were told that the cancer had spread, an operation was no longer the best treatment, he had spots of cancer on his liver and so he would never be cured. They hoped that chemo would put him into remission for a year or 2, then they anticipated that it would recur, more chemo with hopefully another remission - his life expectancy was 3-5 years.

Nick had had a monk's hairline (bald on top) for as long as Mum and I had known him, ironically the aspect of his treatment that he found most difficult was loosing his hair. He never went totally bald, but was left with very fine, white hair, more sparsely spread across the sides and back of his head. The hair that remained was lovely and beautifully soft.

The chemo was brutal. His tumour was small but unfortunately it grew across the entrance to the stomach and so made it difficult for food to get passed. The combination of eating problems and the effects of the chemo were more harsh than anyone could have predicted - less than 9 months after symptoms started and less than 7 months after diagnosis, he was dead. (23 months later Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly, but that's another post.)

He was a gentle gentleman with a wicked sense of humour and a great capacity to love. This year I miss him in yet another way - he would love Alice and would have such fun with her. This year I mourn the relationship that they are both missing.

NOT A GOOD DAY

4 years since Mum died.

And Jolly is being put to sleep this afternoon - they can't treat the kidney problems and there's only short term relief available, it's not fair to let her suffer. I love my dog.

ANNIVERSARIES

3 months with Alice. WOW. A lifetime and the blink of an eye, both together. She's changing so quickly I'm really grateful that I was able to be with her from such a young age.

A year blogging. I looked back to the first posts from September 06 - you can find them here or in the archive. 1 year on and my life has transformed, as I knew it would, I just didn't know when it would change. Some things stay the same 'I had to shut the back door and turn the heating on' . It was very obvious when we got home that Autumn has arrived, I'm sitting here shivering, my fingers are clumsy as they're so cold, the back door is shut again and this year I never managed to turn the heating off (just turned the thermostat down).

MAJOR WEEK

Earlyish October is the most major week of the year for us, a week of celebrations, emotions and memories.

10th - Mummy's birthday
12th - anniversary of Grandma's death (4 years ago this year)
14th - 2nd anniversary of finally being DTC (Dossier to China)
15th - Alice's 1st birthday

As well as all of those I have friends with birthdays on the 11th and the 13th!

GRANDPA

. . . would have been 63 today. This is the sixth birthday remembered without him. He died in 2001 from the effects of chemo that was administered to treat stomach cancer. His illness was brutal and his death was sudden but a release. He was a real gentleman, loyal, kind, traditional and a fantastic step-father.

Usually I can remember him with a smile, but lately the tears have flowed as I realise all that he's missing of Alice and all that we are missing of him.

Happy birthday N, we love and miss you everyday.

[Don't know what's up with the blog, this post should be on 5th September 2007 - the day that I wrote it!!]

REMEMBERING FAMILY

Today my uncle, DJT, would have been 61. He died in 1994 so will never become old - though I can't remember him without a receding hairline (wavy hair - standing up and waving goodbye!)

I haven't many photos of him on my computer because he died before the digital age of photography. This is a photo from my school days - Founders' Day Picnic, I think it's about 1987 (20 years ago!)

GRANDMA

. . . would have been 65 today.

Happy Birthday Mum, remembered always but especially today.

16 YEARS!

Even though I haven't lived here for the whole time CB House has been my home for 16 years today.

I can remember coming home from boarding school to the new house. Mum (typically) had the boxes unpacked, the house looking straight and the curtains up - it already felt like a home, but then having lived with the plans and then seen the conversion, we really did know it inside out before we moved in!! Pity we didn't figure out the heating system as quickly - the first few months here the boiler pump setting was too low to adequately heat my end of the house!

Also Happy Birthday to C and S (S was born the day we moved in!)