SYMBOLIC LOVE, I'M DAFT!

While I couldn't sleep last night I spent the time sewing a PE bag for Alice. I've been planning to do this since September. I've been accumulating the necessary bits for a while. I actually made a bag at the end of last week but it was the wrong shape, so over the weekend I cut out more fabric.

It's in her uniform colour, the second version is a better proportion, this time the lower part is needle cord and not cotton and the gingham part has a frill above the drawstring section, much better! I've turned it into a backpack style bag by adding extra tabs at the bottom. The letter were from E*bay (try searching for iron on letters).

The daft thing is that Alice doesn't actually need a PE bag yet - though I do send in a bag with spare clothes in, but it's the symbolic nature of this bag that's important.

As an adult I learnt that better communication would have brought benefits through my teenage years - as illustrated by several drawstring bags. When I went away to boarding school we had a long list of necessary items, including 2 drawstring bags, 1 smaller one for laundry and a larger one for our extensive PE kit. My bags came from the school outfitter - we assumed that everyone had the same, most people had the same type of bag as I did - nasty, dark, thin, denim with a black string and when the bags were full the string dug into my hands, boring, slightly unpleasant, utilitarian bags. But a friend had a different bag, homemade and lovely - a pale bag with a washing line appliqued across it and 'Laundry' embroidered underneath, with a cotton, co-ordinating, thick drawstring, so much nicer. Her Mum had made it for her. I didn't want her bag, but I would have loved my Mum to have made something similar. I didn't share this with Mum until several years after I left school and of course she would have been delighted to have made me a special bag, I'd just never told her! So part of my 'mothering' has to be making my daughter a special bag, which she will probably never value in the same way as me - she'll probably aspire to be like everyone else and have a 'normal' mass produced one!!

THE PRIVILEGE OF MOTHERHOOD?

. . . is to embarrass your children . . . isn't it?

Alice, Easter 2009, her first Easter bonnet, homemade by Mum, half-destroyed by Pud, worn nevertheless!

OFFERING ADVICE

. . . I'm just not sure if it should be about parenting or dog training!

WATER - NOT AS BEFORE!

A quiet day - I usually work on Friday but I swapped and covered during the snow last Thursday (today was a training day). So we started the day slowly, Alice had a bath while I sorted clothes next door in the nursery - I could talk to her and could hear the splashing but I was quite shocked when I saw the state of the bathroom floor. Alice has never intentionally got the floor wet before but she more than made up for that this morning!

You'd have thought I'd learnt my lesson, but tonight (during the ninetyhundredth reading of Owl Babies) she let her sippy cup slip and has managed to soak my bed!

. . . damp and waiting for the third!

OBSESSED AND GETTING TOUGHER!

'No Bertie, that's Dirty Bertie!'

Alice's favourite phrase from her favourite book. The book (Dirty Bertie) lives by Mummy's bed for morning wake-up and bedtime stories. Alice loves to finish each page with the key phrase, 'No Bertie, that's Dirty Bertie!' It's very sweet to hear her say it - she consistently misses out that in the phrase.

Unfortunately Alice didn't get DB tonight as she wouldn't co-operate. Alice is rarely naughty but she is very often slow to do as she is asked, so I've resolved to tell her the sanctions and be stricter. Consistency isn't a problem (teaching experience helps) but seeing the need for change is what I find more difficult. She wasn't happy at not having DB read at bedtime, she kept looking at me and saying, 'Good girl!' so I kept reiterating that if she continued to be a good girl then she could have DB read in the morning. Eventually she understood but not before she tried out hysterics - you'd think that I'd never said no before!

The other books (which she didn't lose this evening) that she loves are Elmer and (my favourite) Owl Babies. OB and DB are both successful for Alice as they have a repetitive phrase that she can join in with - and I'd love more suggestions for other books like this please.

WHAT A TRIBUTE!

Yesterday at Panel I was asked about the negatives about becoming a mother.

I talked about being worried about possible sleep deprivation when Alice came home and said that I worried about it while Alice was screaming at 2am that morning, but I couldn't think of a negative about being Alice's Mum - I think that's the biggest complement that I could give Alice! (Yes - there are drawbacks to motherhood, but they're general, predictable ones - restricted freedom, longer to go places, more expenses, etc!)

SURVIVING

Really busy . . . really tired . . . really tired . . . got that?

Alice has NASTY chest and ear infections. There's been a lot of vomit this week - Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nights. She hasn't got a vomiting bug, it's just a reflection on how poorly she's been. Monday night was the worst, she cried, I ran, I picked her up to comfort, she couldn't settle, within a minute or two she'd vomited all over both of us, all her supper, everywhere. She actually settled down again really quickly (all things considered) but woke as I went to bed at 1am (Photo*box Christmas order!) I couldn't do anything to reassure her, she wanted me, she wanted to be in my bed, she wanted me but I wasn't allowed to touch her as she howled - the hardest part of being a Mummy, not being able to help your child as you watch them suffer. She howled again at 3am and 5am, it was the worst night I've ever had with her, one of the most traumatic too.

A measure of how poorly she's been this week is that we haven't done any of our usual activities. By Wednesday night I was in a quandary - Alice was due to start at nursery on Thursday, I wanted her to go as there would only be 3 sessions before Christmas and the 2 week holiday break, but I wanted her to be well enough to enjoy it and not to distress her when she was already poorly. Eventually I decided that if we were vomit free through the night then I'd start her this week. NO VOMIT, NURSERY HERE WE COME! But as I'd been undecided that led me to another dilemma, I hadn't prepared her by talking it through (recently, we done the talking after the visit at half term but that was 5 weeks ago) - I hadn't wanted to talk it through in case she wasn't well enough.

I was a nervous wreck, so worried about leaving her there and her thinking that I'd left her for good - reinstitutionalising a child who's been in an institution for many months is a very different issue than simply taking a child to nursery. I was worried for nothing - she'd left me to follow her buddy A (I had planned that Alice would go to the same nursery as A on a day when A is there, if I couldn't be with her at least she'd have a friendly face around!) Before we'd crossed the room to the coat racks (Alice's peg has an umbrella label and there's no coincidence that it's next to A's, great planning by nursery, not so great by the mummies who both bought the same coat and the girls share the same initials!!) I chatted briefly with the room leader and then said a quick 'Bye!' with a kiss and walked out the door. I spent the morning in school, just round the corner from nursery, killing time til pickup. Alice came out calmly with a big grin on her face and ran into my arms, lovely! They reported all the things she'd done - apparently she'd taken part in lots of things and thoroughly enjoyed them all - sand, water, fruit at break time, watching Joseff the rabbit and she'd made 2 wonderful Christmas tree decorations - a blue Christmas tree covered in red glitter and a yellow stocking covered in multi colours of glitter. All that playing, lots of small people to play with, paint, glue and glitter? Alice's idea of ecstasy!!

She hasn't said too much about it, if I ask about the rabbit I get 'Ssshh!'ed - I think they're encouraged to be quiet around him. She did so well that next week she's staying for lunch too.

My baby's growing up already, it's hard but it's so much fun too!

BLOOD PRESSURE!

This morning we went back to T T the music and drama group. Alice was told the sanctions if she was naughty and told what I expected of her, I reinforced through the session and she was very good - I told her that too, several times.

This afternoon I had my medical for Little Sis's Adoption application. My GP was extremely good and allayed many fears. If it's anything that will derail this application it's the medical, I was awake from 3am worrying. After the medical I went to get straightened out at the osteopath's.

When I got home the drive was level, the gravel was mucky but back where it should be, the hole was gone and the digger was being reloaded. Mains water is back at CBH!!

Stressed, today I was stressed, I managed not to show Alice too much I hope. Tonight my blood pressure (which was incredibly normal given my emotions) must be exceptionally low as so much stress has been relieved.

SITTING

. . . sounds so relaxing . . . but not when you're potty training . . . the walls are moving in . . . the pressure is intense . . . and the carpet's a little wet!!

We started on Friday at 4.30pm

• 2 tiny accidents
• 2 big Ps on the potty
• 1 big Accident on the beanbag (thankfully covered by a disposable changing mat) and a look of horror on Alice's face
• Another successful P on P
• Overall - Friday was 50/50, pretty successful for the first day

Saturday

• Started the day in training pull-ups that let Alice feel when she's had an accident, Alice obviously feels that they're nappies, several accidents through the first 2 hours but we kept them on as I HAD to go to the garage and we needed more Potty Training Supplies, W/R was useless - no disposable changing mats or Pull-ups in the right size! (I popped out and got the necessaries while M looked after Alice at naptime).
• No accidents or success during the later morning or before naptime,
• Loads of water (in a big girl glass with a straw) in the afternoon, a couple of tiny accidents on the carpet and several major successes (including a poo in the potty!!) Big successes helped by the incentive of chocolate - Alice caught on quickly and demanded 'Cho-cut' immediately after sitting down!

Sunday

• No success first thing, quickly remembered Cho-cut
• Bath followed by big accident while still wrapped in her towel on the changing mat
• Now I'm pushing the water again!!!
• 3 big accidents, 1 of poo where she dashed to the potty moments too late
• 2 successes
  

SNIPPETS OF TEMPTATION!

Lots of little things to blog about but not really enough time - so you'll have to come back again soon!!

Sorry - Alice squawked again at 3:40 ish this morning and the rest of the 'night' was very disrupted. She insisted on coming into my bed and the little tike even told instructed me as I picked her up that I'd forgotten to pick up Flat Panda! I'd had a conversation with her at bedtime about sleeping all night in her cot, she agreed but at yawn o'clock this morning I didn't bother to argue as I had to get up for work.

Tonight we had the same conversation. She squawked before 9pm, I went, I medicated, I set the humidifier going and then I got tough and left - she cried furiously for less than 5 minutes and fell back to sleep. That's given me even more determination to be strong tonight - wonder how long that'll last?!

NEVER FORGOTTEN

My Mum.

Today is the 5th anniversary of her death. I find the 10th (my birthday) is usually a harder day than the 12th.

This year things were a little easier - I miss Mum every day but I've got to a point where I can't regret her death. Her death was as she would have wished - quick and unexpected, very hard for me but hopefully not for her. Mum's death was the direct stimulus to begin my adoption of Alice - I am glad to have regained a positive outlook and once again have joy in my life, thanks to Alice. I can't regret Mum's death as I wouldn't have Alice - the 2 people I love most in my life and they never knew each other. Last year should have been a little easier (for Alice's presence in my life) however a very sick dog (who I shared with Mum) made it harder again.

Mum died on a Sunday evening. This year is the first time that this anniversary had fallen on a Sunday. I purposely chose this day to have Alice baptised. I wanted to turn a day with dreadful associations into a day of celebration. We prayed for Mum and Nick at the baptism. Never a day passes without thoughts of them both.

Today I smiled. My daughter is a joy and the light of my life - she's brought smiles, giggles, silliness and such happiness. Today we celebrated Alice and remembered Mum. Today was a good day, Mum and Nick must have been with us - the weather (after such a dreadful summer) was incredible, warm with a gentle breeze, we spent most of the party in the garden. Today I managed to celebrate and be thankful, the tears stayed away til this evening (I couldn't type this without tears). Mum would wish to be remembered with a smile, today I am a lot closer to being able to do that, the fate of the 12th has been changed.

Always remembered. Always loved. Always and forever.

HOMESTUDY - THIRD VISIT

This week we went through the first Homestudy - the section about me and noted the areas that needed editing or rewriting. We discussed most of the revisions along the way. Nearly 2 and a half hours of almost non-stop talking (mostly me) and poor SW only got 2 cups of tea, I was too busy talking to stop and make tea!

This week my SW was very encouraging about my parenting skills and reassured me about Panel. It was a very constructive visit - with the first Homestudy I expected it to be intrusive and while there are some very personal issues to be discussed I actually find it a cathartic experience - at the same time I'm sad that this will be my final experience of paperchasing. It's odd, I don't particularly enjoy the paperchase, but it's the part of the process over which I have the most control.

As this HS is being done within 5 years of the first it's only an 'Update' that's needed. Though it seems like we're revisiting every area. It's a very different experience than last time - and not just because I've a new SW. Last time I was hesitant and bowed to the knowledge of the professionals, this time I have the experience and the support networks, I'm much more confident, more driven (I know the joy and the challenges of adoption), I'm ready for the paperwork and I feel more in control. I also feel like I'm ready to fight - not sure WHO I'm fighting, but I feel like I have to fight, to strive, to be able to bring this baby home - it's not an aggressive fight, just a determined one.

Adoption doesn't happen by accident, you have to REALLY want it for it to happen. Alice will know how much she was wanted because I did it for her and then did it again after I had her. Little Sis will know how much she was wanted because of this blog and because despite knowing the challenge that it is to adopt, I did again for her. Hopefully by the time Little Sis comes along Alice will be old enough to appreciate the experience and for it to give her another perspective on my journey to her as well.

Next time (in 2 weeks - having next week to visit one of the referees while I have a week-off for Alice's baptism) we'll discuss how Alice's presence has changed my life - I think it's going to be an even longer meeting!!

NO-ONE WARNED ME . .

. . . about shopping for children's shoes!! Alice has been wearing shoes since February, every trip to buy leather shoes has been a challenge.

Ugh.

Dreadful.

Stressful.

Only partly successful.

Alice had her feet measured on Monday - that shoe shop could only fit black shoes, school shoes - she's going to have enough years of wearing shoes without starting early, besides which those shoes were nasty - embellished and bling, ugh.

So yesterday we went to Bristol to continue the search. We started off at the department store, now I know the first department to visit is children's shoes to get a computer generated appointment. This time we had a 60 minute wait, we browsed the girls' clothing department, took some things for a refund (!) and went off to the other shoe shop (luckily only next door). They had lots of black shoes, lots of patterned shoes, not many plainish shoes and no navy ones. They couldn't fit a pair for Alice - the ones we tried were too narrow and her feet bulged in the opening. We were advised to try 'T-bars'.

Back to the department store - in previous visits they've come a poor second to the shop that had already failed, I didn't hold out much hope! Then someone queue jumped and just asked for shoes - as she 'knew' her child's size, I wasn't happy and complained loudly, I was served almost immediately after complaining.

The sales girl brought out many pairs - I was impressed with the number of shoes she had in Alice's size, until I realised that she'd brought each style in the size of each foot!! Unfortunately she hadn't listened to the request for plain 'T-bars' so nearly all were unsuitable. The 'Mary-Janes' didn't fit as they bulged - just like they had in the previous shop. Eventually we found a very plain pair in navy - great on both counts, unfortunately though they were the only ones to fit they were only a 'reasonable' fit, after over 90 minutes (on this trip) of shoe shopping and reassurance that we wouldn't necessarily find a better fit, I bought them! £34 (or over $65), ugh. Also they are velcro fastening - I'm not a fan as Alice fidgets with them when she's bored in the pushchair or the car.

As an afterthought I mentioned shoes to wear for Alice's Christening - simple, £9, only 3 sizes available and luckily 1 was only a size bigger than Alice measures, we tried it and they fitted - let's hope she doesn't grow too quickly in the next few weeks.

SL1MBR1DGE

(Our local (ish) bird reserve)

Some bad choices tried to spoil the day - we didn't leave home til after 1pm, I forgot some essentials, Alice didn't sleep in the car on the way there, a hotter than anticipated day, the wrong route home. I learnt many valuable lessons today.

SUNDAY REFLECTIONS

On Sunday we went for a day out with the G's - to celebrate a trio of birthdays - K was 32, R 30 and E 4!

We met mid morning and walked into Bath. Met up with more of the G's family and got on a boat for a trip up-stream. Alice ate lunch picnic style (until her sandwiches ended up in the river!) and spotted cows from the boat! We got off the boat at a local pub and had an excellent lunch.

It was a super day - great fun, lots of new experiences and giggles for Alice, relaxing and lovely company as well as a good meal - fabulous! But it was also surreal for me - reflecting on the last 12 months.

The same family celebrations last year were at Gloucester Docks. Read about it here. Another meal, a different boat trip, another lovely day but such a difference in 12 months. Last year I was still waiting, so uncertain, so tired of waiting, so worried - and yet on the other side of the world a baby was going to become my daughter, by then some people probably had made our match and put us together to become a family, but I was still stressed and uninformed - what changes were to come, I was on the brink of a wonderful roller-coaster of life changing, life enhancing, incredible, emotional events and the trip of a lifetime around the other side of the world, WOW.

Sunday - remembering the uncertainty's associated with last year's celebrations and the whirl-wind that was about to happen, holding my baby and marvelling at the last 12 months. Unbelievable - the changes over that year, the wonderful changes, the miracle that is Alice, the joy of motherhood, an incredible trip to China.

Days like Sunday make me step back and consider what's happened - the pain and uncertainty of the process - would I do it again? In a heartbeat, she's brought so much to my life and I believe that she's in a better situation too - what an incredible and wonderful process. I'm still in awe of what has happened to us both and I feel so privileged.

MY FIRST MOTHERING SUNDAY AS A MUM

We were staying with friends - GFW and his wife Aunty J. This is Alice, just after breakfast, waddling towards me whilst flexing my card - I had to wrestle her for it.

We left GFW & AJ's mid-morning to drive to J&J's house for a reunion lunch - GFW, GFN and several others who I went to school with - 4 ladies there, 3 of us celebrating our first Mothering Sunday with our babies and the 4th (Aunty J) heavily pregnant with her first - quite a gathering!

Mid-afternoon found us on the road again, this time driving home after being away since Thursday morning.

So how did I find my first Mothering Sunday with my baby? It was a good day, like many others. Emotionally - nothing significant, certainly nothing to compare to the Mothering Sundays spent waiting, also thoughts of my Mum were far less painful. [4 and a half years on from Mum's death I've reached a point where I can't regret her death as it was the starting point for my adoption of Alice. I would love for Mum to be here with Alice, but that's not possible, I have to get on and enjoy life now and now that Alice is home that's so much easier.]

Really, when you consider Mothering Sunday, it's not for single mothers - we don't get a break, we don't get breakfast in bed, bunches of flowers, surprise boxes of choccies, lunches out - because there's no one to do those things, but then I don't need those things because the way I see it - being a single Mum every day is Mother's Day and I don't need gestures (however heartfelt or lavish - though the card was much appreciated!) Her smile, her giggles, her leg cuddles (new this week), every progression, every new skill mastered - those are the treats, the rewards, the best things in the world to me and I wouldn't swap for anything.

LEAVING ALICE

. . . for the first time . . . was very hard. I'm sure it was worse for me than for her.

She was at home being looked after by people who know her very well. Meanwhile I was 2 hours drive away, staying in a house with no phone or mobile signal!

How did she do? She didn't sleep when I put her down for her lunchtime nap on Tuesday, but she did go straight to sleep that evening! Tuesday was pretty much normal for her, even though I wasn't around she was used to seeing T and her Mum M for those parts of the day. Wednesday morning reality hit her - she was quite out of sorts when T got her out of bed (that's the one part of the day that Mummy ALWAYS does), she didn't drink her morning bottle and then bottles and meals were out of sorts until my return.

She was definitely pleased to see me. We had a play and cuddle before she went for the lunchtime nap - she went to sleep almost instantly and slept through the noise of removers through the house and shifting furniture up the stairs (wish she slept that way every naptime!) Since then she's been clingy - entirely appropriate given the circumstances - quick to cry and not happy when she can't see me - all good signs of attachment, I think?!

So . . . T wanted to know if I'd be going to New York the next time?

Maybe, but don't expect it to be any time soon!

I left her at home, with familar faces, for 24 hours. I left her because it was the most sensible option. I found it really hard. I did it because the alternatives were daft. My head won over my heart, it was the right decision. I just hope that I don't have to face a similar situation any time soon, or not so soon. It's times like this when being single bites hard.

THE WONDERS OF MOTHERHOOD

When I think about how my life has changed since 1st July and the effect that Alice's presence has had on my life - the happiness and love that she has brought, I'm overwhelmed.

I expected to need 'breaks' from her, but I find that I'm not happy when I'm away from her - I worry about her, not knowing what she's doing, I'm jealous of those who are with her - yet at the same time I'm so grateful to them for caring for her and loving her too. I thought that as time went on I'd get to the point where the separating would become easier - I do now appreciate the time apart to do the things that Alice wouldn't like, but I still find myself hurrying back to her. The unpleasant bits - dirty nappies, vomit - are so much easier than I thought, because however unpleasant those things are, I want my baby to be happy, clean and comfortable and I'm the one who has to deal with those things to keep her clean, well, safe and happy. As time goes on the bonds continue to strengthen (even though everyday they seem as strong as they could possible be) and as they strengthen I love her more - incredible, wonderful and better than I could ever have imagined. WOW.

THE ONLY DRAWBACK

Alice is such a lovely child to parent that it makes me worry about No2.

No2 is going to seem like an evil child, even if she isn't. Why? Because Alice is so good and so easy (at the moment) that any child falls short in comparison - setting No2 up for failure maybe years before she is born.

But No2 will happen. I want children, not just a child. I believe that Alice needs a sibling. But not yet, I want time to enjoy Alice and I'd like my children not to be too close in age - I want to enjoy them as individuals.

I hope that I don't live to regret these comments.

ANNIVERSARIES

3 months with Alice. WOW. A lifetime and the blink of an eye, both together. She's changing so quickly I'm really grateful that I was able to be with her from such a young age.

A year blogging. I looked back to the first posts from September 06 - you can find them here or in the archive. 1 year on and my life has transformed, as I knew it would, I just didn't know when it would change. Some things stay the same 'I had to shut the back door and turn the heating on' . It was very obvious when we got home that Autumn has arrived, I'm sitting here shivering, my fingers are clumsy as they're so cold, the back door is shut again and this year I never managed to turn the heating off (just turned the thermostat down).