THE PERFECT DAY!

After dance class I asked Alice if she wanted to go to see some fish (at an aquarium), she shrieked her enthusiastic agreement and we drove over the border to B and it's new aquarium. I bought a year's pass for each of us, not only did Alice have a lovely time there but she's already asking to go back! (It would be nice to think that Little Sis might be around before the passes expire, hopefully she'll get in free for a while yet and it's very pushchair friendly - yep, already planning life with 2!)

REFLECTING ON LITTLE SIS'S ADOPTION JOURNEY SO FAR

Firstly I want to make it clear that there is no one to blame for the outcome of my second adoption application.

A new SW (someone I've met, not necessarily MY new SW) has already asked me how I feel about the experiences of the last 17 months or so, was Thailand a waste of time? I don't think so, I prefer to think of it as part of the process of accepting a change of direction, making me consider my priorities.

When the whole adoption process started for me 6 years ago, I was put on the wrong waiting list and waited 10 months when the process should have started more quickly - I don't blame anyone for that, it may have been due to the grieving process that I was consumed with, it may have been a misunderstanding, but ultimately it made the timing right for Alice and I to become a family and I'm extremely grateful that she ended up with me and me with her. So I can't regret the additional waiting time, it all worked in the end and that's how I choose to see this application, I hope that one day I'll be able to confirm that it was all part of getting the timing right for the child who will become my daughter and Alice's Little Sis. I hope that rather than a waste of time it was a diversion to make the timing right.

I received an email this evening from G, she quoted:

"Someday the child that is meant for you will be your child and when that day finally comes you will want no other child."

It's been proved right once, so right. I hope it holds true again, I believe it will, I have to believe it will.

A NEW YEAR, A NEW START

I wonder how many readers have already guessed what's been happening in our life . . . I won't be adopting from Thailand any time soon, I have started the process to withdraw my application from Thailand. Why? It's a grey area, wrong impressions, misinformation - I believed that I would receive expedited referral in 9-15 months from papers being received in Thailand, it now seems that this was never the case and that I would have to wait my turn in line, in a very long line. This would mean waiting far longer than anticipated and changing the nature of my family, Alice waiting years for a sibling and having a much larger gap between my girls than I would choose. Not what I want for me or my family.

I had a very revealing day at the end of November, it felt like the clouds should have parted and a ray of sunshine should shine down on me - a new perspective on the past and the future. It was a momentous, life changing experience.

So what now? I've already applied to be considered for a domestic adoption. I'm hesitant to share my expectations over timings, I need to be reapproved for adoption and I've already had plenty of experience of adoption timings taking far longer than anticipated - I don't want to 'count my chickens'.

Maybe 2010 will be the year of Little Sis, not necessarily her homecoming, maybe her birth or even conception?

All of this is one of the reasons for not much blogging and now with the possibility of a domestic placement I need to consider the future of the blog and how safe it is for my family.

MIXED EMOTIONS

Sad. Sad that the weather is already autumnal, despite not really having much warm or sunny weather this summer. Sad that the summer holidays are over. Sad that Alice was still asleep when I left for work this morning. Sad that I got to spend less than 2 hours with my baby today.

Worried. Worried about Alice's new beginnings this week, worried how she'll cope, if she'll cry, how she'll manage a packed lunch. Worried about new situations. Worried about Little Sis, will it happen, will she have to wait long for us to hold her? Always worried.

Wondering. Wondering how this term will progress. Wondering how Alice will adapt. Wondering about Little Sis.

Relieved. Relieved that the first day of term is over. Relieved that introductions are complete. Relieved that plans have been made.

Grateful. Grateful to have someone so special that every moment apart is a moment missed. Grateful to hear, 'I love my Mummy!' and small feet running towards me (unprompted) as I close the front door coming home. Grateful for squeezy hugs and sloppy kisses. Grateful to have found such a welcoming environment for Alice's education. Grateful for my 4 legged friends love and devotion (and for keeping my feet warm!) Grateful to have a job in tough times. Grateful to have the opportunity to adopt again.

2 MONTHS

My papers have been in Thailand for 2 months.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of Little Sis and wondering if she'll actually be from Thailand - it seems that I'm a pessimist about adoption and very doubtful until referral comes through and that's likely to be many, many months into the future.

12 MONTHS

Since I officially started the ball rolling for Little Sis, unofficially I always knew I'd have at least 2 children and it's 5 years and 8 months since I started on the path to adoption!

REMINDERS OF LITTLE SIS!

When I was waiting for Alice I read about an idea - having an object to represent the baby that you're waiting for, that object is then included in photos of key events during the wait.

For Alice I had a very soft and squidgy W*nnie the P**h, I took some photos with it and we've still got it - even though it's lovely Alice isn't particularly fond of it! For Little Sis I bought a lovely soft, pale grey elephant with a wonky trunk. I had studio portraits done last October and one of my favourite photos is the one of Alice sitting on the floor looking at the Elly.

The Elly is round the house and we find it occasionally. This morning Alice found it, nothing new there, but THIS morning she gave it a cuddle and said, 'For my sister!' and handed Elly to me, a poignant moment!

MILESTONES FOR ME

14th October 05, my papers went to China, that evening I travelled down to my holiday home, got locked out and finally celebrated with champagne.

23rd June 09, my papers went to Thailand, this evening I fell asleep infront of Charl*e and L*la, woke up to put Alice to bed, fed the dogs and I might have a small cider later - how times have changed, but some of the emotions remain the same, I'm delighted that my papers are finally on their way and am hopeful for the potential they hold.

And Alice? I told her about it, she talks quite often about 'Little Sista' but she doesn't understand - she doesn't have to and I'm glad that she doesn't understand all of it yet.

3 YEARS, 8 MONTHS AND 9 DAYS

14th October 2005 my first adoption request was sent to China.

3 years, 8 months and 9 days later:

23rd June 2009 my second adoption request has finally been sent to Thailand.

And now we wait - probably for several years or more, probably for a child who has not yet been conceived, hopefully I'll cope better second time around, hopefully it won't take as long as I think, hopefully it will have a joyful outcome just like the first time!

PAPERWORK PROGRESS

I've just spoken to the LOVELY lady at WAG and my paperwork should be in the post to my notary TODAY!!!!!!!!!

WEEEEEHEEEEE!!

(And just for Little Sis to know - this journey is just as emotional second time around, this news reduced me to happy tears!!)

TODAY'S PHOTO SESSION

I decided to make the most of today's lovely weather and try and take some photos of Alice and our home for my application to Thailand. T came over to try and take some of Alice and I together (we'd tried last Monday but I wasn't happy with the results), they didn't work out much better than last week's!

These are the photos that I like but aren't going to Thailand, some of the Thailand photos will be in a separate post!

(Alice's dress was one of yesterday's purchases from N*ext, age 4-5 but it is a bit baggy!)

NURSERY AND SO ON

Alice started to cry on the doorstep. I kept up my sing-song jolly voice and kept reminding her about the sticker if she didn't cry. She was OK on the journey and the way into nursery, she began to lose it when we got into her room so I made a swift exit and they found the sticker! She was fine all day and delighted to see me this evening.

I spent the day asleep on the sofa - my tummy's still bad and I've warned school that I might not be in tomorrow. I meant to get my letter to Thailand finished today, it will have to wait until Sunday at the earliest now, oh well.

TEARS

The post came just after midday, as usual it contained several mailshots, a bank statement and a couple of other envelopes and as I have done for the past few weeks I quickly shuffled through the stack and finally I found what I was looking for!

2 envelopes - 1 recently requested and a relief to have in my hands but the other made me cry - Home Office permission for my baby to enter the country, permission that I've been waiting for for 5 weeks. It's a big relief to have their letter and more importantly it's the last piece of the paperchase, there's a bit more shuffling to do and forms to finish filling, but WE'RE NEARLY THERE!

I didn't expect to be so emotional about a piece of paper but sometimes adoption does that to you - every step is a challenge (especially to someone as intimidated by paperwork as I am), every document an achievement.

THURSDAY, MUMMY DAY, BUSY DAY

In this house Thursdays are generally now known as 'Mummy Day'. Alice is in Nursery for most of the hours between 8:30am and 5:30pm. It's the day that I get the non-Alice jobs done.

This morning's drop-off wasn't pleasant. 3 weeks ago it was a snowy day - they put Alice's group with the older children in the older children's room, Alice was most unsettled by being in a different room. 2 weeks ago Alice struggled going into Nursery, big tears, screams, hysterical but not funny for either of us, I cried and found it very difficult too. Last week she was 'poorly' (before I realised that her illnesses were a symptom of teething). Today she started to protest as we left the house, demanding, 'Go Home!' She was fine in the car but started to cry as we arrived at Nursery, the crying ramped up as we walked towards her room and once we got there she was hysterical again. Amidst the tears I told her that I loved her and that I would be back later, reassuring her that 'Mummy's always come back!' I left as they were trying to distract her (unsuccessfully) with Joseff the rabbit. I could hear her scream as I walked down the corridor - I could hear that scream all day.

Not having had a day to myself for 4 weeks I was determined to make the most of it. I went straight to A'g to have passport photos taken for my adoption application to Thailand. Then I went on to the supermarket before going home. I didn't stop once I got home and had a very productive day.

Today's achievements, I:

• got info on a new mobile phone package - which will hopefully save some £££,
• did a major supermarket shop, including (hopefully) all the Easter eggs
• got home, unpacked all the shopping, cleared out a cluttered kitchen cupboard and debugged the fridge,
• did loads and loads and loads of washing (Pudding is now barricaded away from the that end of the dog room - I now have a laundry area!)
• made several vital phone calls,
• got some prep done for school tomorrow,
• sent an urgent email or two,
  
• parcelled up some unwanted Internet shopping, wrote some cards and got them all in the post (which is a major achievement for me!)
• and somewhere in the middle of all that I had lunch in front of the computer!

I had 3 goals for today - I achieved 1 by sending an email, but the other 2 (application form and letter to Thailand, both for Little Sis's adoption) remain goals - hopefully for next week!

SHOCKED AND PAPERWORK

. . . by my own tickers!

1 month since I passed Panel for Little Sis, wow!

I didn't have my 'Mummy Day' Thursday this week as I went to work, so I haven't got very far with paperwork recently, also I've done the easier bits so it's the hassly or tricky bits left to do.

DELIGHTED, RELIEVED AND A BIT EMOTIONAL!

After a very different experience attending an Adoption Panel, they took a blink of an eye to agree to my wish to adopt a Special Needs child from Thailand. My SW said that I charmed them. I was calm and coherent and despite my nerves it wasn't an unpleasant experience!! Phew.

To celebrate I went shopping! I bought Alice a 'pincess' outfit and Little Sis a photo album that can have a voice recording with it - hopefully to send in a care package after referral. It's the beginning of the next paperchase - extra documents for Thailand, but we're a huge step closer and I'm very relieved!

TOMORROW

BIG day tomorrow - Panel and Nursery.

Panel for approval for Little Sis's adoption. The paperwork's been punched, check, filed, checked and sorted. I'm trying to get organised, I'm hoping that by tomorrow evening I'll be feeling mightly relieved rather than wanting to turn the clock back by 24 hours.

Nursery - Alice returns to Nursery, she'd only been 3 times and it's 3 weeks since her last visit, because I was anticipating an afternoon appointment with Panel Alice is staying all day tomorrow for the first time.

Tonight during our review today and then think about tomorrow chat (that we have as often as Mummy remembers!) Alice said 'Yes' for the first time when I asked her if she wanted a Little Sister!

AS THE YEAR CHANGES, SECOND ATTEMPT!

2008, such a special year, the first full year with Alice.

2008 has been a life-changing year, a year of many firsts with Alice. We had our first holidays together - I took her to Jersey (a very special place to my family). Alice got her first British passport and we went to France. We started new activities together, we established many of our family’s routines. I relaxed into parenthood, enjoyed it more and learnt more about how to relish every moment. I was amazed by Alice – how she copes with change, the rate at which she grows, the way she embraces life and is always ready to enjoy its next challenge. We said very sad goodbyes to Daisy and have just welcomed Pudding whilst continuing to get pleasure from Boo and Fuss being with us! At the beginning of 2008 Alice hadn’t even taken her first independent steps, now she’s running and jumping! Her speech and understanding has exploded this year, from a few single words to phrases showing insight.

Home has changed too in 2008. We had the kitchen shuffled – it was major upheaval at the time but has made a great difference to daily life. The playroom was redecorated and the original curtains were finally replaced. The playroom and study also had new carpets. So the ‘daily living’ end of the house is quite different now to how it was at the beginning of the year. Outside the paving around the kitchen has been extended to create more space for playing and entertaining.

Tonight I explained to Alice that it was the last evening of the year and why I would always remember 2008 as such a special year, that she was so good, brought such happiness and so wonderful (I don’t tell her that very often as I don’t think it would be healthy!)

2009 could be another hugely significant year for us. We start with a new puppy. Next week Alice starts going to Nursery for a full day once a week, in September she’ll probably start at a new school, a school where she maybe for up to the next 16 years of her life. One of the first events of 2009 will be my second appearance in front of an Adoption Panel (the UK’s final stage of approval to adopt). Possibly the biggest change for our family in 2009 could be Little Sis – 2009 could be the year that she is conceived, born or even matched with our family (the final option is a long shot!) (I’m still troubled by even thinking of projected timescales and associated events after getting expectations so wrong and becoming so stressed with Alice’s adoption.)

I am extremely grateful for 2008, whatever happens I hope that 2009 will be like 2008.

Happy New Year!

CHANGING MINUTE BY MINUTE

. . . and now I have a date for Panel in early January!

THE INK'S STILL WET . . .

. . . but the signatures are there, my homestudy is finished.

Now I have to check a couple of references, ensure that the GP surgery have sent the medical, meet with the GP to discuss SNs and their implications, get a letter certifying employment and work on other bits for the dossier. T (my SW) and I had long discussions about the SNs that I'd shortlisted, these will be further clarified by my GP (I hope). YES - I am already working on the dossier for Thailand - I didn't work on the documents required by China until I had passed Panel, I'm still worried about tempting fate by starting so soon but things take longer to accomplish in these days of motherhood and I find it easier to complete paperwork when I've had time to consider it.

A bittersweet day - I'm pleased to be a step closer to Little Sis but sad that I won't be treading this path again - oh for a bottomless pit so that I could do this again!