3 IN A MORNING

D and I decided to give the girls a treat and take them to the cinema this morning, A's been before but Alice hadn't.

Before we left I went to get some bottled water from the drinks' cupboard, when a bottle of rose smashed at my feet, then I cut myself clearing up the mess. I'd got up relatively early to put the rubbish out and thought I'd be organised and get the car out while I was in the garage, by the time we were ready to go it had iced up (yes, it's that cold).

The girls (and the other children in the audience) were quite restless - that's only a reflection on how awful the chipmunk film was. We'd planned to take the girls out to lunch after the film, but then changed our minds - we decided that they were probably too full of popcorn and had sat for long enough.

Instead I decided to go shopping - there was a N*xt just around the corner. I bought Alice some lovely clothes for the springtime but somewhere between the checkout and the car (less than a minute) we lost Flat Panda, I very quickly got Alice into the car (as I was halfway through the process when we realised) and then retraced my steps. No sign of FP anywhere, I asked every member of staff that I saw and frantically looked at everyone I passed. Nothing. It was a 20 minute drive home and Alice howled all the way, she wasn't even comforted when I found her one of the other FPs we have at home - it was the actual LOSS of FP that really distressed her. I spent a lot of the afternoon searching for another but it was discontinued a while ago and I can't find one in Europe or America online.

A traumatic and stressful morning. Luckily the afternoon was calmer. After Alice had recovered she found the other 3 FPs (and I'm still panicking that we'll lose the others!) and put them in timeout!

AN AWFUL EVENING

Alice has always had a good routine and sleep habit but has had some sleeping issues in the past few months. I know that sleep is the first thing to suffer when anything is out of balance.

Through the summer she kept asking for Mummy's Bed, in the end we compromised on 'The Special Bed' (a bed at the end of mine, neither of us sleep well when she's in my bed). After a holiday in a family room at a hotel we came home and she was happy to return to her bedroom, declaring, 'I not frightened any more.' She never expressed her fear at the time.

Through September and October she stayed in her room quite happily but through big changes and excitement - starting a new nursery with a very different routine and no one familiar and then her third birthday. But in the last 2-3 weeks she started asking for my bed again - notable that it's my bed, not me that she wants. After a week or so of this I got the Special Bed out again - not as popular as my bed but better for quality sleep for both of us. This time she's articulated that there are MONSTERS in her room. She also has a lingering cough but is still living life at full speed.

She's in love with Christmas and desperate for a tree in her room, but having agreed to go back to her bed earlier this week (calmly) I didn't even get to the bottom of the stairs before she was crying, instantly hysterical - clearly informing me that this fear is real and huge. Ever since she's been happy to use the Special Bed and has settled quickly and not even stirred when I go to bed (always happens wherever she sleeps).

Tonight she settled quickly and was asleep in a few minutes - all as usual (but usually in her room). 75 minutes or so later she was hysterical. I went up quickly to soothe her (and this is where things became distressing different), despite being very upset she pushed me away and was much more distressed than usual. She wouldn't calm and she wouldn't take comfort. I finally managed to get her to tell me she was frightened (not hurting) but when I asked why the crying immediately ramped up (I tried several times). I took her over 15 minutes to slow to a sob (much longer than usual) and then I was able to calm her further by changing her nappy and getting clean PJs (never understand why that works but it's usually effective but only once she's calming again). Throughout the whole episode she pushed me away (she's usually very affectionate and seeks physical comfort) which was very disturbing for me. Several times I explained that I wasn't leaving until she was calm and then she'd retort that she was calm (but still heaving sobs for breath). Even when she was finally calm she was very, very quick to dismiss me.

It was a dreadful experience and I don't want to make the situation worse if it happens again but I need some new strategies - we've already tried 'Monster Away Spray' (lavender water in a spray bottle) but clearly that isn't enough.

Any ideas?

DELIGHTED, RELIEVED AND A BIT EMOTIONAL!

After a very different experience attending an Adoption Panel, they took a blink of an eye to agree to my wish to adopt a Special Needs child from Thailand. My SW said that I charmed them. I was calm and coherent and despite my nerves it wasn't an unpleasant experience!! Phew.

To celebrate I went shopping! I bought Alice a 'pincess' outfit and Little Sis a photo album that can have a voice recording with it - hopefully to send in a care package after referral. It's the beginning of the next paperchase - extra documents for Thailand, but we're a huge step closer and I'm very relieved!

BLOOD PRESSURE!

This morning we went back to T T the music and drama group. Alice was told the sanctions if she was naughty and told what I expected of her, I reinforced through the session and she was very good - I told her that too, several times.

This afternoon I had my medical for Little Sis's Adoption application. My GP was extremely good and allayed many fears. If it's anything that will derail this application it's the medical, I was awake from 3am worrying. After the medical I went to get straightened out at the osteopath's.

When I got home the drive was level, the gravel was mucky but back where it should be, the hole was gone and the digger was being reloaded. Mains water is back at CBH!!

Stressed, today I was stressed, I managed not to show Alice too much I hope. Tonight my blood pressure (which was incredibly normal given my emotions) must be exceptionally low as so much stress has been relieved.

HOMESTUDY - SECOND VISIT

Over 2 hours, non stop discussion and chat, 4 cups of tea, 1 cup of coffee and 1 jaffa cake!

Things seem to be going really well - if anything is going to stop this process it will be the medical not the SW's findings.

We're meeting regularly on a Sunday lunchtime - unconventional time but strangely it works for both of us. Before we finish a meeting we discuss the topic for the next meeting and then we both have time to prepare - read up or complete paperwork.

Today we dealt with straight facts before going on to discuss the list of Special Needs that I would consider - I think that I demonstrated that I'd done a fair amount of networking, research and deliberating. It's a crucial part of the Homestudy (HS) as it will determine the children that I'm eligible to be matched with. It's hard to be realistic about what's manageable and even trickier when combined with the effect of the relative vocabulary - moderate, severe, reasonable. We will review this part again towards the end of the paperwork stage. Next time we're reviewing my biography - which should be more straightforward as I've already updated it in table form for the LONG form that SS needed to begin this application.

I was delighted this afternoon when he told me that my enthusiasm was contagious! I really hope 'Lil Sis' (and Alice) will understand just how much that they were wanted, anticipated and planned for. I am excited about this but with a reserved element (the medical may cause great debate because I 'm single) and also a touch of sadness as this is the last time that I'll be paperchasing - as time consuming and stressful as it may seem it's also the most constructive part of the paperwork process where I can actually feel involved and influence the final result (this is probably one of those situations where you have to have BTDT to fully understand!)

BUSY WEEKEND - SUNDAY

Today has been busy and eventful! I had a poor night, but Alice obliged and allowed me a lie-in! We had a slow start to the morning, when we eventually got up I gave Alice a bath, then I got her dressed before starting to get ready myself, unfortunately the leaf that I was about to remove from the bath mat was actually a DEAD RODENT.

I DON'T DO RODENTS.

EVER.

I'll never know how I managed to get out of the bathroom and get us both downstairs. I was quite calm given the circumstances (in another post I'll explain about rodents, suffice to say I can't say or type the word with my feet on the floor!) M came and moved it. By this stage all plans had been forgotten and I was doing well to still be in the house (YES - it's that bad!) I had planned to go to the supermarket and then have lunch with Alice (she normally eats earlier than I do) - but by the time that I was functioning again it was too late for all that and Alice had to have a speedy lunch in order to get her to bed before my SW arrived.

I let Alice sleep in (late night last night after a busy day playing) so didn't get her up until after SW had left. We played with the FP toys all afternoon - she loves the house and the school in particular and I'm amazed how quickly her play is changing - though she still insists on shoving the adult figures into the upturned changing table! I managed to have our (planned) lunch at her suppertime, but the beef casserole wasn't as good as it should have been, not sure why!

C came over for a craft consultation this evening and we experimented with my C*ricut machine - neither of us get enough time to do it justice. After that we had a quick game (of the game that won't be revealed until after Christmas!)

IT'S NOT JUST ME THEN

. . . M (my neighbour who looks after Alice) was here all day today (I was at work). When I got home she said that Boo and Fuss had followed her around all day. I thought that they were even closer to me than usual . . . but then I didn't know whether my behaviour was encouraging it.

This evening they are still close and affectionate and I'm enjoying the change - it's not that they aren't usually close, I suppose D's absence allows them to get closer more easily and they're always affectionate.

I'd told a couple of people from work about D - I didn't want any fuss and I didn't want to talk or explain. Work were great. One colleague insisted on hugging without chatting, the others obviously knew but didn't enquire - it was just what I needed, the hug and the silence. One very good friend who just happens to be a colleague did ask more - she said she couldn't not and I completely understood, I said a bit and cried but it was good, I needed to off-load slightly and she was right to ask - it's how our friendship works.

Getting there slowly . . . now off to hug a dog or 2!

THANK YOU

For all the comments and emails about Daisy - your thoughts and sympathies are very much appreciated and comforting.

I feel daft even publishing a post like this. Even though I knew that it would be tough it's hit me harder than I expected.

ADJUSTING

How are we today?

Alice - fine, didn't look for Daisy. It's not surprising, Daisy had withdrawn from us, she was wary of Alice as she moved to quickly and Daff's eyesight was iffy unless upclose.

Boo and Fuss - seem unaffected, but again Daisy wasn't really interacting. The little dogs are almost always near me if not on me and they seem more affectionate (or is it me being more receptive?) Someone peed on the blue dogbed in the dog room, probably asserting ownership as it had been D's bed.

Me - I've had a headache most of the day and this afternoon I realised my teeth were aching too as my jaw was clenched. I feel fragile. The house seems quiet, it's too quick to feed the dogs without putting out 2 scoops in the big bowl. Her's bowls been put away, her collar too. But there are some benefits - I'm not checking for accidents all the time, the dog room is less cluttered without the blue cushion bed (now there'll be space for the photocopier again) and moving dogs (like putting them to bed) is quicker and quieter (no shouting and encouraging her to bed). I hadn't realised how much I was worring about her. I know it was the right decision. I feel guilty too - I'm finding this hard whilst others are fighting cancer or facing huge challenges compared to mine, I've been through far worse too but then again she was an important part of everyday life and a link to Mum.

MY DAISY NO MORE

The vet came out this afternoon and put Daisy to sleep.

She had very bad arthritis in her lower spine - recently her walking had become tricky, her balance was wobbly at best and her back end was always slunk down. She'd been on the maximum medication for a couple of years but recently she'd withdrawn and started to sleep a lot, she'd stopped sleeping on the sofa (too hard to get up there) but if you'd seen her in the time just before supper you'd never have known there was anything wrong. She'd also become unreliable about house training - she was an intelligent dog and this seemed so unfair.

I'd talked my decision through with T and C - who both knew my Daisy well, they could both understand why and neither raised a question about it - a sign to me that the timing was right.

The vet was coming out this afternoon - originally to review her prescription, but I'd rung the surgery this morning and warned them of my decision. The vet and head nurse arrived and we talked things through, we agreed that it was the kindest thing to do. So hard - even harder because she was Mum's dog. But it wouldn't be right to have kept her going and it wouldn't be right if days like today weren't hard.

I told Alice the simplest facts of what was going to happen at lunchtime. After her nap she said Goodbye to Daisy and then I took her next door to M's. When we came home she didn't look for her but she did say 'Daisy' at bedtime so I reminded her that she's gone now.

So now I'm sitting at my desk with cold feet - there's no Labrador to keep them warm any more. I'm blogging about this to let everyone know what's happened, I'm a bit of a wreck when Alice isn't about and I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

MID AUTUMN MOON FESTIVAL

I aspire to be Ellen - she writes so eloquently, captures my feelings and has such good ideas!

Mid-Autumn Festival - details from here.

The joyous Mid-Autumn Festival was celebrated on the fifteenth day of the eighth moon, around the time of the autumn equinox（秋分）. Many referred to it simply as the "Fifteenth of the Eighth Moon".

This day was also considered as a harvest festival since fruits, vegetables and grain had been harvested by this time and food was abundant. Food offerings were placed on an altar set up in the courtyard. Apples, pears, peaches, grapes, pomegranates（石榴）, melons, oranges and pomelos（柚子） might be seen. Special foods for the festival included moon cakes, cooked taro（芋头）and water caltrope（菱角）, a type of water chestnut resembling black buffalo horns. Some people insisted that cooked taro be included because at the time of creation, taro was the first food discovered at night in the moonlight. Of all these foods, it could not be omitted from the Mid-Autumn Festival.

The round moon cakes, measuring about three inches in diameter and one and a half inches in thickness, resembled Western fruitcakes in taste and consistency. These cakes were made with melon seeds（西瓜子）, lotus seeds（莲籽）, almonds（杏仁）, minced meats, bean paste, orange peels and lard（猪油）. A golden yolk（蛋黄） from a salted duck egg was placed at the center of each cake, and the golden brown crust was decorated with symbols of the festival. Traditionally, thirteen moon cakes were piled in a pyramid to symbolize the thirteen moons of a "complete year," that is, twelve moons plus one intercalary（闰月的） moon.

The Mid-Autumn Festival is a traditional festivity for both the Han and minority nationalities. The custom of worshipping the moon can be traced back as far as the ancient Xia and Shang Dynasties (2000 B.C.-1066 B.C.). In the Zhou Dynasty(1066 B.C.-221 B.C.), people hold ceremonies to greet winter and worship the moon whenever the Mid-Autumn Festival sets in. It becomes very prevalent in the Tang Dynasty(618-907 A.D.) that people enjoy and worship the full moon. In the Southern Song Dynasty (1127-1279 A.D.), however, people send round moon cakes to their relatives as gifts in expression of their best wishes of family reunion. When it becomes dark, they look up at the full silver moon or go sightseeing on lakes to celebrate the festival. Since the Ming (1368-1644 A.D. ) and Qing Dynasties (1644-1911A.D.), the custom of Mid-Autumn Festival celebration becomes unprecedented popular. Together with the celebration there appear some special customs in different parts of the country, such as burning incense（熏香）, planting Mid-Autumn trees, lighting lanterns on towers and fire dragon dances. However, the custom of playing under the moon is not so popular as it used to be nowadays, but it is not less popular to enjoy the bright silver moon. Whenever the festival sets in, people will look up at the full silver moon, drinking wine to celebrate their happy life or thinking of their relatives and friends far from home, and extending all of their best wishes to them.


There is this story about the moon-cake. during the Yuan dynasty (A.D. 1280-1368) China was ruled by the Mongolian people. Leaders from the preceding Sung dynasty (A.D. 960-1280) were unhappy at submitting to the foreign rule, and set how to coordinate the rebellion without being discovered. The leaders of the rebellion, knowing that the Moon Festival was drawing near, ordered the making of special cakes. Backed into each moon cake was a message with the outline of the attack. On the night of the Moon Festival, the rebels successfully attached and overthrew the government. Today, moon cakes are eaten to commemorate this legend and was called the Moon Cake.

For generations, moon cakes have been made with sweet fillings of nuts, mashed red beans, lotus-seed paste or Chinese dates（枣子）, wrapped in a pastry. Sometimes a cooked egg yolk can be found in the middle of the rich tasting dessert. People compare moon cakes to the plum pudding and fruit cakes which are served in the English holiday seasons.

Nowadays, there are hundreds varieties of moon cakes on sale a month before the arrival of Moon Festival.

HARD DAY AND MILESTONES

First day back at work.

I woke 20 minutes before the alarm and so I was up before 6.30am - that's very early for me!! I crept downstairs and got things going, moping up some organisational bits for work, making my packed lunch, sorting out and tidying up. Just after 7am Alice started to squirm, I stayed downstairs and she was settled again within 2 minutes.

I went back upstairs, had a leisurely shower (quite a novelty) and got dressed. Alice slept so I went downstairs for breakfast. I twiddled my thumbs for a while until M came round to look after Alice. Alice began to wake just as I was leaving - at that point I decided to let M get her up as I thought that handing her over just as she woke would be harder on her, but not cuddling her, not telling her that Mummy was going to work, not waving goodbye, not knowing how she'd be without seeing me - was all VERY hard for me.

I try to leave home things at home when I'm working, that was harder than usual today. I don't normally ring, but today I had to know that she was OK. Of course she was fine! She was obviously pleased to see me when I got home and we had a lovely evening. She had a bubble bath tonight and had wonderful fun picking up the bubbles and blowing them away.

She's changing daily, particularly her speech and singing. She's showing more and more enjoyment of songs and singing and will increasingly join in with the words (especially the last word of the line and the verse!) Tonight she sang 'Happy Birthday to Grandpa' and gave his photo a kiss. Today, as everyday, I remember him and tell Alice about him and Granny - she finds their photos and blows kisses. Granny and Grandpa would love her so much and would be so happy to hear her sing and feel her cuddles.

Over the summer Alice outgrew her sleeping bags, even though I had the next size I hung back using them. Tonight Alice tried one of the new ones - cuddly pink jersey, it looked and felt very comfy. Once she was wearing it she lay back on the changing table and pretended to sleep - but got the giggles when Mummy snored for her!! Precious times.

We had lots of kisses and cuddles this evening - to make up for this morning. She knew 'Mummy work' (I had told her last night - which made this morning a little easier), tonight as we cuddled in front of the cot she told me 'Mummy work,' so the cuddles continued a little longer while I repeated several times that I had worked today but not tomorrow and that tomorrow was a Mummy and Alice Home Day. She's very happy at home with M and I enjoy the change of pace and feel refreshed at the time apart, but equally I hate leaving her and being apart from her, even though it's good for both of us!

EASTER - 2007 TO 2008

Several times today I reflected on the difference a year (ish) can make - thinking back to last Easter.

2007 - In the fortnight before Easter referral rumours started again. The previous month's referrals had got to the 24th October, my date was the 1st November - I was the 8th day in the queue. I didn't believe that I'd make the Easter referral batch, then the rumours grew stronger and it was rumoured that my date would be included. For the first few days of rumours I was strong, but as they grew stronger I began to hope and believe that I could be included that time around. I was interviewed for the Radio 4 programme about adopting from China, spirits were high, the weather was good, everything looked positive. Then referrals arrived, only 2 days worth, devastation and panic. Only 2 days, how many more months would I have to wait? Would I have to go back to school in September? Easter 2007 was hard, the uncertainty of if and when referral would arrive for me, the balancing act for school, the thought of a baby waiting in an orphanage or foster care, most of all not knowing if there was someone there to hold her while she drank her bottle or to comfort her when she cried . So many unknowns creating doubt and sadness.

In hindsight it's easy to say 'I should have been strong, I should have savoured those times of being carefree and independent,' but the reality then was that I was desperate to know that referral would arrive, to know about my baby, to stop talking about the conditional and start knowing facts - to see my baby, to know her name, to know all about her and to hold her in my arms.

2008 - my arms, my life and my heart is full. Alice is here. Alice is wonderful. Motherhood is a fantastic challenge.

LEAVING ALICE

. . . for the first time . . . was very hard. I'm sure it was worse for me than for her.

She was at home being looked after by people who know her very well. Meanwhile I was 2 hours drive away, staying in a house with no phone or mobile signal!

How did she do? She didn't sleep when I put her down for her lunchtime nap on Tuesday, but she did go straight to sleep that evening! Tuesday was pretty much normal for her, even though I wasn't around she was used to seeing T and her Mum M for those parts of the day. Wednesday morning reality hit her - she was quite out of sorts when T got her out of bed (that's the one part of the day that Mummy ALWAYS does), she didn't drink her morning bottle and then bottles and meals were out of sorts until my return.

She was definitely pleased to see me. We had a play and cuddle before she went for the lunchtime nap - she went to sleep almost instantly and slept through the noise of removers through the house and shifting furniture up the stairs (wish she slept that way every naptime!) Since then she's been clingy - entirely appropriate given the circumstances - quick to cry and not happy when she can't see me - all good signs of attachment, I think?!

So . . . T wanted to know if I'd be going to New York the next time?

Maybe, but don't expect it to be any time soon!

I left her at home, with familar faces, for 24 hours. I left her because it was the most sensible option. I found it really hard. I did it because the alternatives were daft. My head won over my heart, it was the right decision. I just hope that I don't have to face a similar situation any time soon, or not so soon. It's times like this when being single bites hard.

HOW TIME FLIES

. . . when you're having fun.

5 months with my girl.

5 months since the day I met her in Kunming. How I remember the turmoil, the excitement, the worry, the sound of the clanging door . . . then those nannies entered the room holding 2 baby girls, An Hao Ming was in the arms of the second one . . . I thought I'd be second . . . then they said her name, I stood and held out my arms and then she was with me. We sat and looked at each other, I was trying so hard not to cry or upset her, she just looked and touched, wide-eyed but calm. What an incredible day and what a wonderful time ever since.

DAISY, HEALTH UPDATE

Despite not giving her enough antibiotics, she is slowly getting better. They think that she had a bug that caused the vomiting and that then she aspirated the vomit, causing a chest infection.

She's improved quite a lot since the appointment today. She looks perkier, her ears are up again. She ate much more for supper tonight, begged for more, tried to let herself in after supper and is back to nudging my hand for scraps and affection. It's lovely to see her getting better, I hope it continues. Alice loves the dogs, I love my dogs, this one's particularly special.

MY GIRL (REVISED)

Last night I watched a slide show of the photos from the first week in China. Today we watched the video that N took while we met the girls on 1st July. Emotional times. I can't believe that it's only been 4 and a half months, the girls have changed SO much.

One of the wonderful things about today was how easy it was - the girls and the grown-ups relaxed together and just enjoyed being together, great times, special times.

Today is also a significant anniversary for Alice - I spent the week thinking about it and then (luckily) we were so busy that I didn't remember until late in the evening. Today her birth parents will be thinking of their child, today I remember her birth parents and thank them for their bravery. I wish they could know the happiness she brings and the tremendous child that she is, I hope that they have peace with what they did.

HOME

Daisy's home, looking thin but interested what the others were barking at, it's lovely to have her home now we've got to work on building her up again.

STAYING IN ANOTHER NIGHT

Daisy's ECG showed nothing more than the elevated heart rate. They gave her more fluids and it's down to 140. We debated whether to bring her home tonight but on balance they felt that she's calm and further fluids would help her, so she's staying in for another night and I'll ring tomorrow morning for an update. More tears, a little relief, still stressed.

DAISY

. . . I spoke to the vet this morning. Vomiting has ceased and she's eating fine, but now her heart rate is around 240 (usually about 100) so they're doing an ECG and I'm stressed while waiting for the results.