2007 - In the fortnight before Easter referral rumours started again. The previous month's referrals had got to the 24th October, my date was the 1st November - I was the 8th day in the queue. I didn't believe that I'd make the Easter referral batch, then the rumours grew stronger and it was rumoured that my date would be included. For the first few days of rumours I was strong, but as they grew stronger I began to hope and believe that I could be included that time around. I was interviewed for the Radio 4 programme about adopting from China, spirits were high, the weather was good, everything looked positive. Then referrals arrived, only 2 days worth, devastation and panic. Only 2 days, how many more months would I have to wait? Would I have to go back to school in September? Easter 2007 was hard, the uncertainty of if and when referral would arrive for me, the balancing act for school, the thought of a baby waiting in an orphanage or foster care, most of all not knowing if there was someone there to hold her while she drank her bottle or to comfort her when she cried . So many unknowns creating doubt and sadness.
In hindsight it's easy to say 'I should have been strong, I should have savoured those times of being carefree and independent,' but the reality then was that I was desperate to know that referral would arrive, to know about my baby, to stop talking about the conditional and start knowing facts - to see my baby, to know her name, to know all about her and to hold her in my arms.
2008 - my arms, my life and my heart is full. Alice is here. Alice is wonderful. Motherhood is a fantastic challenge.
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