REFLECTING ON LITTLE SIS'S ADOPTION JOURNEY SO FAR

Firstly I want to make it clear that there is no one to blame for the outcome of my second adoption application.

A new SW (someone I've met, not necessarily MY new SW) has already asked me how I feel about the experiences of the last 17 months or so, was Thailand a waste of time? I don't think so, I prefer to think of it as part of the process of accepting a change of direction, making me consider my priorities.

When the whole adoption process started for me 6 years ago, I was put on the wrong waiting list and waited 10 months when the process should have started more quickly - I don't blame anyone for that, it may have been due to the grieving process that I was consumed with, it may have been a misunderstanding, but ultimately it made the timing right for Alice and I to become a family and I'm extremely grateful that she ended up with me and me with her. So I can't regret the additional waiting time, it all worked in the end and that's how I choose to see this application, I hope that one day I'll be able to confirm that it was all part of getting the timing right for the child who will become my daughter and Alice's Little Sis. I hope that rather than a waste of time it was a diversion to make the timing right.

I received an email this evening from G, she quoted:

"Someday the child that is meant for you will be your child and when that day finally comes you will want no other child."

It's been proved right once, so right. I hope it holds true again, I believe it will, I have to believe it will.

12 MONTHS

Since I officially started the ball rolling for Little Sis, unofficially I always knew I'd have at least 2 children and it's 5 years and 8 months since I started on the path to adoption!

WHAT A DAY!

Did you cap your energy bills? I spent the first 90 minutes of the day (after the bedtime cuddles and milk) trying to contact the energy comparison companies by phone. By phone? Yup - desktop computer failed this morning. After 50 minutes of constant redialling I was on hold for a further 15 minutes before talking to a receptionist who took my number and promised that someone would ring me back!! [Updated - they rang at 2pm and got me a capped electricity rate 8% above this year's rate for 17 months, I think it was a good rate, it's since been withdrawn and a higher rate offered.]

So the desktop wasn't working, I tried the laptop, but the signal strength was very low and it wasn't coping. My reliance on technology was over emphasised several times today. T he desktop still isn't working, I can't email my technology solver as my desktop's ca-put! (However, obviously, the laptop's feeling better!)

The Magnificent T arrived early to 'Alice-sit' so that I could go for a pre-holiday pedicure (a girl's got to have pretty feet for a holiday!) But the car wouldn't start, the dashboard was dim and the control panel showed an 'Emission System Error' - I rang the dealership and they said that it would have to be towed in, ugh! (By this time I'm seriously worried that we won't be going away this week after all.) The RAC turned out in less than 20 minutes - hurray! The lovely mechanic was very patient and thorough - diagnosed a flat battery, then the search was on to find the reason for the flat battery, but none could be found. I rang the dealership again and they will look at the car tomorrow. I left the engine running for about 45 minutes after the RAC left. After I turned off the engine, the Magnificent T noticed that the headlights were still on - maybe the source of the flat battery? Meanwhile I'd rebooked the pedicure for tomorrow lunchtime, that's not going to happen again - as I won't have any transport or childcare, no pretty toes!

I managed to make it to my osteopathy appointment and then to collect Daisy's medications from the vet - only to find that they hadn't logged my telephone requests, so I had to wait while they prepared them etc. Daisy has degenerative arthritis (diagnosed by this vet's surgery), she's on the maximum meds and she's not going to get better. I was informed that they wouldn't repeat the prescription again without seeing her - despite the fact that the stress of the journey and appointment would be extremely detrimental to her. I think that I'll be looking for a new practice when we return from holiday, after 18 years I've had enough.

On top of all of that Alice wasn't feeling herself today - she was clingy and tearful, without medical symptoms, but nevertheless I think she's sickening for something.

Quite a day - some good, some worrying, some bad and some momentous.

9 MONTHS WITH ALICE

9 months, so many changes, so much happiness.

In March:

• we passed 'Equals Day' - Alice has now been with me for more than half her life,
• she learnt to climb stairs - she started with the soft foam steps at soft play, then she practised at GFW's and now she climbs up to bed every night,
• her communication exploded - more signing and lots more words, lots more attempts at words too,
• she was happy to slide - she'd tried it before but never enjoyed it,
• she learnt to climb onto the ride on toys and rockers,
• she learnt to use the word 'No!'
• she's showing more opinion
• she continues to adore books and animals, especially our dogs (she can now identify all 3 and name Daisy and Boo, she can't yet say 'Fusspot')

WHAT'S THE TIME?!

Spring forward . . . fall back . . . I know the rhyme . . . I understand the rhyme . . . it usually works for me . . . not this time!!

I woke up yesterday morning, remembered the time change, checked my time-signal clock, Alice woke, morning got off to the usual start - until the grandfather clock chimed the same time as clock indicated. Ooophs - time signal clock HADN'T automatically updated as it usually does . . . I started to get confused . . . the morning went to pot . . . got the planned jobs done (went to W@itrose) but was totally confused as to the correct time.

I'd planned to shift our routines by 30 minutes (just run a bit early) to get Alice half way to the 'new' time. My plan was in ruins before we'd managed to have lunch (late by new time!) Plans weren't helped by me fitting a bug - I feel rough, thinking's hard, coughing's harder, state of confusion is becoming my usual state.

So yesterday Alice didn't really adapt at all to the time shift. Today? She didn't nap at all at lunchtime and I managed to keep her awake all afternoon - she was shattered by bedtime and fell asleep very quickly, only to wake several times (so far) and scream for a couple of minutes each time, poor baby.

Me? I'm shattered too - late night last night and then an early morning parcel before 7.30am! My body-clock's confused - not helped by tiredness.

Home? Still in chaos. Kitchen progress? The units are all in place but without kick-boards, end panels, pelmets and cornice. The missing bits came in today (to the store) and I found out by accident - when I rang to check progress! Then I asked why I hadn't been told, they fudged an answer and didn't even apologise. Then they said they couldn't deliver for another 9 days, on checking they could get them to me in 2 days - relieved but not impressed. The tiling's finished but they still need a silicon seal to the worktops. The electrician was here all day - he's coming back tomorrow and hopes to get finished by the end of the day. The painter started today (back door hallway, kitchen and playroom) and should be finished by Thursday - if the kitchen skirting board is fitted in time to have been painted by then! Then next Monday the playroom and study will be recarpeted. Next Tuesday swimming classes start again - after lunch I'm going to lie down - on new carpet and stare at my beautiful newly arranged kitchen as I drift off to sleep in my quiet (but probably still dusty) home!! It's another step towards making this place my own but I may never eat toast again!

4 WEEKS

We've been a family for 4 weeks already.

I can't believe it's 4 weeks, it seems forever and just a minute, all at once.

She's growing and changing already - 2 new teeth and I'm sure the 'no gel required' hairstyle is longer too!

We're learning about each other. She definitely knows her name, I definitely know that she's opinionated!! I'm learning about the sounds she makes, the burbling, the fake and real cries, the giggles and the hiccups (several times a day at the moment!)

COUNTDOWN

49 hours still at home.

95 and a bit hours before meeting my baby.

FOREVER COUNTING TIME

15 days until I meet my baby.

15 days ago - 1st June, my visit to the Chinese Embassy to get my visa, a very emotional day.

It truly doesn't seem that long ago, but it that much time again my life will change forever.

Time's a very strange thing - when you're waiting it passes so slowly, when you're living the moment time flies! Lots of people have remarked how quickly the time since referral has gone. For me time is especially quirky at the moment, the days are going quite quickly as there's so much to do, but minute by minute time drags.

18 DAYS

In 18 days I will finally meet Whatshername and within 24 hours of that she MUST have a name.

18 days. 2 and a half weeks.

18 days ago was the first day of half term, I met with school friends in Bath, we had a lovely supper with a long gossip and then we went to see 'Acorn Antiques'. It was a good evening, it seems like yesterday, let's hope the 18 days to come go just as well and just as quickly! Then I'll want time to slow down so I can savour every bit of Whatshername's childhood.

COMMENTS AND FEELINGS

. . . thanks to all of you who have left comments, it's good to know that others understand how I'm feeling.

Referrals have started to arrive and so far only families with LIDs of 25th and 26th have been contacted, it's looking very likely that this month has only got 2 days of referrals. That's just made the wait another 29 days longer (31 days since the last batch, only 2 days matched). Ugh.

So how am I feeling? Well, I've had visitors for the last two days and it was good to be busy and distracted. I know that I'm powerless in this part of the process. I listened to rumours and got my hopes up - but even without raised hopes I would have been severely disappointed, just 2 days. Despite the disappointment I will continue to read the rumours, if nothing else they give me hope and give me a place to be where people innately understand how I feel - there's something reassuring about being with people who simply understand the situation from the inside. I'm disappointed for everyone in the process 2 days is a blow.

2 days is the least they have done in the time I have been following referral stats. It could be because they were matching the babies whose paperwork was completed the previous month - a short month due to the Chinese New Year holiday - i.e. less time for paperwork, less available babies. This theory would be backed up by the pattern of referrals from last year. This is probably the best theory for such a low level of referrals as it would be an unusual situation that won't be replicated in the months to come, hopefully.

One of the problems recently seems to be the lack of information in advance of referrals arriving - the sources in China must have been warned or moved as they seem to have dried up. I don't know why this is as I can't see that they caused a problem.

As soon as the cutoff is known, I start looking forward to the next batch. In the old days (12 months or more ago) I would virtually automatically know that I would be next as I'm the sixth day in the queue (and 2 of the days ahead are minute weekend days) - sadly those days are gone and the process is much slower at the moment. There is a major holiday in China at the beginning of May, so hopefully referrals will arrive before that, hopefully. I'm 6 days from the front of the queue - will I make the cut next time? No-one knows, the 27th is a very big day and the 31st is a HUGE day, added to the fact that they only did 2 days this month, probably not but maybe? Arrgh.

Not only do I want my baby now, or if not now, as soon as possible, but there are other negative implications if my referral does not arrive next month. But there is a silver lining - the longer time before referrals the more likely travel will be delayed until the summer holidays, this would at least be convenient for school.

So all in all, my feelings haven't changed much - sad, confused, bewildered with a glimmer of hope that will one day be my baby.

16 MONTHS

The ticker's changed again.

16 months, that's 484 days,11616 hours, 696960 minutes or41817600 seconds - however you put it it's a VERY long time.

The wait is compounded by the fact that I don't know how much longer I have to wait - or indeed that there will be a happy ending.

TICKER'S CHANGED AGAIN

. . . 15 months down. How many more to go?

It's looking like the cut-off is the 13th (the day before my papers went to China), so I don't think that I'll get my referral next month. My best estimate is paperwork through in 2 months and then travel 6-8 weeks later - I will probably meet my daughter within the next 4 months (ish).

[With the usual proviso that 'they' can still say 'No'}

REFERRAL PREDICTIONS

The Rumour Queen's taken a new poll, done new analysis and created 2 scenarios.

The Bad Case Scenario:
1st batch gets to the 10th Oct 05
2nd batch gets to the 17th

The Good Case Scenario:
1st batch gets to the 21st
2nd batch gets to the 31st

[For the record she's usually pretty accurate, we just don't know which estimation will be closer!] So there's no chance of referral in the next 2 batches.

I also went to China Adoption Forecast. They give a range and a most likely date for referral. They predict that my referral will arrive between the beginning of February and the middle of July (that prediction is more useful for people who are further back in the queue). There most likely date for referral is the beginning of March! I actually think that this prediction is a little overoptimistic (given the latest batch dates).

So when?
I think most likely in 3 batches time.

When will that be?
I think 1 more batch before Chinese New Year (18th February), another batch in March and then HOPEFULLY my batch in April!

TICKER SAYS IT ALL

13 months since Log In - accidentally typed Long In, Freudian Slip?

'Nuff said

MORE REFERRALS, NOT MINE YET!

The CCAA have squeezed a second batch of referrals into November - not such good news as would first appear, as they didn't make any referrals in October.

They managed to get through to the 8th September, so they're still moving slowly. So how much longer will I have to wait? If they continue at this rate the next batch will get through to 29th September (remember that the queue isn't even spread out, some dates are huge and others are tiny) or even to the 8th of 9th of October. That seems like a huge difference but the CCAA were closed for over a week to celebrate Autumn Festival at the beginning of last October. From the 10th October the rest of the month is huge - with lots of dates and lots of dates with many applications.

SO WHEN?

In short - I don't know!

In more detail - probably in 3 or 4 batches time, maybe. Hopefully there will be at least 2 more batches before Chinese New Year in mid February. So maybe as soon as March 2007, possibly April, maybe longer, no one who's telling knows!

What is definite is that I'm Day 54 in the queue, but with 7 days closure last October that equates to 47th in the queue. They seem to be doing 13-15 days worth each batch. At 13-15 days per batch and taking me as being at Day 47 that would put me in the 4 batch from now (about 4 months time?)

RUDE WORDS

I always remember my dear colleague E - who when provoked but in a situation where expletives were inappropriate would be heard to mutter "Rude words!"

RUDE WORDS, RUDE WORDS, EVEN MORE RUDE WORDS AND MORE OF THEM**#****#@##

Get the picture? Today's referral rumour is that only 13 more days will be referred this month - that puts my referral back to April at least.

RUDE WORDS, RUDE WORDS

When, oh when, are the CCAA going to speed up? Every month we (those in the queue) are optimistic and believe that it must get better this month, every month our hopes are dashed.

GREAT RUMOUR AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER REFERRAL!

Yesterday the latest rumour was that maybe all of September would be included in the next batch of referrals - that would be fantastic, it would put me 5 weeks from the front of the queue.
The last batch of referrals came through at the beginning of November - with the previous batch at the end of September, slightly over the usual month between batches. So it's likely that there will only be 1 batch before Christmas. However January often sees 2 batches of referrals - as Chinese New Year often means that there isn't another batch until March. So that would PROBABLY (have you gathered yet that nothing's definite til we're home?) mean referral early next year (I think I'm border line between referral in January or March) and then travel about 8 weeks later!

Why the delay between paperwork arriving and travel? When the papers arrive and I'm happy to accept the referral, then there'll be alot of other bits to do (not the practical preparations but the official bits):
- Monmouthshire have to approve the referral - I think that this is like a safety net for the authorities to ensure that I don't bring back a child who will be an unexpected burden to society.
- Acceptance will then go back to the Dfes, who may wait a while to collect several acceptances before returning them to China.
- Then I have to wait for China to issue an ITT (Invitation To Travel), this seems to be a relatively random process in term of how long China take - recently they've only taken 2 weeks but can also take more than 6 weeks.
- When I've got the ITT I can then apply for a business visa to enter China.
- Then I've got to book everything (this can be done provisionally, but it's still a nail biting process) and get there!!

I type it and talk it but still can't quite believe that I'm ever going to going to be someone's mum, it brings on moments of disbelief and the occasional panic. I was talking to a newish mum yesterday (great lunch D!) who reassured me that even pregnant women experience the same emotions. However long it takes I don't feel that I'll be ready - I can't bring myself to buy the important bits like a cot, changing table or pushchair, I don't want to tempt fate.