SLIGHTLY IRRITATING

Alice wanted dry cereal for breakfast (an increasingly popular request), most mornings when she starts like this she then wants milk half way through, but not today.  So to make up her calcium intake (and pamper her on a chillly morning) I offered her hot chocolate, she accepted on the understanding that she wanted it in a cup not the cereal bowl!!

Later on I was clearing round and I found her hot chocolate, now cold but virtually untouched.  I was a bit peeved that Alice hadn't drunk it until I found my mug, also virtually untouched!  She's like me in so many ways that it's frightening!

EVERYTHING CROSSED!

The special bed's been put away, her room's been cleaned, no monsters found, sheets changed, princess bedding used for the first time.

Alice is back in her nursery, for the first night since mid November. The special bed has hardly been slept in, Alice has been in my room for nearly 2 months, mostly in my bed, she hasn't had enough sleep and I haven't had nearly enough either, something had to be done.

So tonight Alice is back in HER room, she wasn't supposed to go til tomorrow night, but she'd forgotten. Tomorrow night was the plan so that she'd be tired from a full day at nursery, but she was ready today, if we have a bad night then I'll reset the morning alarm - especially given the very cold weather forecast.

Elmer is back on the CD player and so far (5 minutes) all else is quiet though Alice has needed a lot of reassurance that I'm not leaving but just going downstairs. The separation at bedtime issue has got so bad that even my bed wasn't soothing, so it was time for a new approach, wish us luck!

CHRISTMAS CARDS

I've nearly finished writing the Christmas cards. I've discovered that my list is badly out of date, I found the bargain cards after I'd bought more, the cards are tiny - I'm worried they'll be lost in the post and I apologise to this year's recipients - Alice was very enthusiastic licking the envelopes and they're a bit soggy!!

THE SPECIAL BED

There are monsters in Alice's room, so she's been in with me for most of the last week, she didn't even start off in her own room for the last few nights. As a result my sleep is suffering, last night had to be the last night, so the Special Bed is back - a single bed on the floor at the bottom of my bed, it was last used in August and has been away since then, but it's needed once again. This time Alice is old enough to articulate that she's frightened, she's still waking in hysterics once or twice in the evening and she always rouses when I go to bed but she's much calmer for being with me, so for now we do what works and hopefully we can work back towards her bed before Christmas.

EXTRACTION

I had a wisdom tooth extracted this morning. It was growing at a strange angle and causing a problem with the molar in front of it.

I'm terrified of the dentist, natural fear with the huge addition of a dreadful double extraction as a teenager. The reason I still have crooked teeth is because the orthodontic treatment would have required several more extractions and that cosmetic reasons alone weren't worth the agony. I'm lucky to have found an excellent dentist recently - he's very kind and patient and understands just how frightened I am.

I've been dreading this morning ever since he told me a fortnight ago that the extraction had now become necessary. Terrified, shaking in the chair, terrified. Unfortunately in my state of terror I got the appointment time wrong and arrived 30 minutes early, that seemed to prolonged the agony of expectation but actually served to settle me slightly. The injections and extraction weren't as bad as I'd anticipated - as I'd tried to tell myself in advance, but unfortunately the tooth in front broke when the wisdom tooth was pulled, so now I have another appointment before Christmas for a temporary filling and will then have to have a further appointment next year to permanently fix the problem. Being the worry-wort that I am these are likely to play on my mind, meanwhile I'm topping up on the pain killers and waiting for tomorrow, by then I hope to have stopped shaking.

PS Comment away but please don't ring, I'm trying to sleep through it and I'm a bit of a wreck at the moment!

BUSY DAY

Children in Need Day, Alice's school were having a Spotty Day, I'd decided that Alice would go as a spotty dog:

• I bought her a dog set for her birthday (hairband with ears, tail and a nose that barked when pressed),
• I used an animal print (unused) dog bed to make a skirt and a new set of ears (hairbands are no good as they slip out easily if they're the fabric covered),
  
• I used an old (slightly stained) white top and printed glittery paws over it (learnt the lesson to put some filling between the front and back whilst printing!)
• I got a bargain poncho on an auction site
• I kept the face paints very simple!!

Alice did a great dog impression too, panting and barking!

Nursery (usually a whole day) was just a morning session today - the whole school had a half day to celebrate a Saints Day. So after I dropped her off I went into the town and met a fellow prospective AP and gossiped over coffee. I managed to buy some more china - I love my spotty china, but in recent weeks I've broken a large and a side plate (I've had the china for over 5 years but these are the only pieces I've ever broken). This year Alice has started using proper plates (rather than melamine) and it's noticeable that we didn't really have enough china now it's in greater demand. They've also bought out a new piece, so I finally have a matching gravy boat! Then I went back to school for what I thought was a PTA event, mulled wine and minced pies, actually it was a school event - showing what the PTA fundraising had bought recently - it was a great opportunity to see the grounds and watch Nursery as they played outside - I love watching Alice in a different situation, she was happy to wave from a distance!

This afternoon we went to my school to watch and take part in another Children in Need event - they pompomed to a pop song. Alice wasn't happy to watch, she had to be on the yard WITH the children!

Then we popped home again, before going out for the final time today - to a local garden centre to watch Father Christmas arrive by horse drawn carriage. I didn't tell Alice about this until just before we left (I was waiting to see what the weather was going to do). We met one of her favourite friends there - O, Alice was more bothered about seeing O and his mum J - in fact she didn't think she wanted to see Father Christmas at all! When we got there she was transfixed by an animated display of elves and reindeer, then she tried to help herself to 2 balloons (1 for O!) - we weren't supposed to have them until we left so she had to leave them for a while, when we left she was adamant that she wanted a purple one. We saw FC but not up-close, we'll be going on a special train journey just before Christmas and then she'll get to share her list - at least she's consistent, she's sure that she wants a game like Mummy's, a torch (she's obsessed with mine) and a house for her hamster - so that's what she's getting!

SYMBOLIC LOVE, I'M DAFT!

While I couldn't sleep last night I spent the time sewing a PE bag for Alice. I've been planning to do this since September. I've been accumulating the necessary bits for a while. I actually made a bag at the end of last week but it was the wrong shape, so over the weekend I cut out more fabric.

It's in her uniform colour, the second version is a better proportion, this time the lower part is needle cord and not cotton and the gingham part has a frill above the drawstring section, much better! I've turned it into a backpack style bag by adding extra tabs at the bottom. The letter were from E*bay (try searching for iron on letters).

The daft thing is that Alice doesn't actually need a PE bag yet - though I do send in a bag with spare clothes in, but it's the symbolic nature of this bag that's important.

As an adult I learnt that better communication would have brought benefits through my teenage years - as illustrated by several drawstring bags. When I went away to boarding school we had a long list of necessary items, including 2 drawstring bags, 1 smaller one for laundry and a larger one for our extensive PE kit. My bags came from the school outfitter - we assumed that everyone had the same, most people had the same type of bag as I did - nasty, dark, thin, denim with a black string and when the bags were full the string dug into my hands, boring, slightly unpleasant, utilitarian bags. But a friend had a different bag, homemade and lovely - a pale bag with a washing line appliqued across it and 'Laundry' embroidered underneath, with a cotton, co-ordinating, thick drawstring, so much nicer. Her Mum had made it for her. I didn't want her bag, but I would have loved my Mum to have made something similar. I didn't share this with Mum until several years after I left school and of course she would have been delighted to have made me a special bag, I'd just never told her! So part of my 'mothering' has to be making my daughter a special bag, which she will probably never value in the same way as me - she'll probably aspire to be like everyone else and have a 'normal' mass produced one!!

MY BIRTHDAY! (AND SLEEP, AGAIN)

(yesterday!)

Alice said I was '3 too!' The cake had 'fork handles' (think 2 Ronnies) on it but 21 written on it. None of them were right, all too small and all made me laugh.

At times I did wonder whose birthday it was. We spent the morning at soft play with one of Alice's best friends and then went to her other best friend's house for tea in the afternoon! Then last night I went out for supper with GFN - Alice knew that I was going out but I daren't tell her who I was going with (after the grief I got following the pub lunch several weeks ago). Luckily she'll be seeing him this week.

I'm beginning to notice a pattern with sleep on the nights that I'm out for the evening. She went to bed at usual time, she was tired but not exhausted, she was crying before we left so I went up and resettled her (but it wasn't as easy as it usually is). When we got back I could see the visual monitor from the car and it was easy to see that she wasn't asleep or settled, so I went straight up to her and the moment she realised it was me she relaxed and snuggled down. She woke again as I went to bed and with all the disturbance of the evening I offered my bed, she accepted immediately (the night before she'd declined) and when she came into bed she demanded a cuddle and tried to sleep holding my hand and snuggled up to me. I don't think that there was any coincidence that she needed physical reassurance last night - which leaves me with very mixed emotions, sad that she still needs that level of reassurance but relieved that I can provide that reassurance.

A final note about my birthday - since Mum's death I've always struggled on my birthday, this year was significantly better, now I've got to get through the 12th.

BOOT ON THE OTHER FOOT

Today Alice's nursery went on a visit to a local (ish) fruit farm, I volunteered my help. We walked through several orchards, saw pears and apples on the trees, the black watering system, the wooden crates, the fruit pickers and even tractors!! (It's a glamorous life I lead!) The children 'helped' Farmer George to pick some cooking apples and then they got to pick some Gala and Coxes Orange Pippin to bring home before returning to the farm buildings for a delicious drink of apple juice and a quick visit into the cold store. The farmer and his wife were delightful with the children and got the level right. The children were very well behaved (except Alice - she had her 'moments', but then she was the youngest in the group and I was there - which never helps on school trips when a parent attends). I'm in awe of the nursery teachers being brave enough to take over 20 2, 3 and 4 year olds on an educational visit.

We were back in school for lunch. Luckily Alice did understand why Mummy was there and why I was leaving and was fine with it. I then went out to lunch with GFN - to a great pub that I've only been to once since Alice came home. Good lunch, great company and I got back to school just in time to get a parking space and collect Alice. For the first time she kept falling asleep on the way home, but giggled as I kept tapping her leg to wake her up, she even fell asleep with a cheesy biscuit in mid-air - ready to eat it!

I didn't tell Alice about seeing GFN until we were on the way home, she was fine at the time but very cross at bedtime and demanded to see him!

GOOD DAY, SHORT DAY

Yesterday started early with the alarm clock. The first alarm goes earlier than necessary so that I can 'come to' slowly whilst listening to the news. Sometimes Alice wakes early and comes in for a cuddle too, more often she sleeps later (or, I suspect, 'comes to' as I start moving round!) Yesterday I asked for a kiss, she refused with a giggle, so I started tickling and it turned into a game, shortly afterwards she lay back and said, 'I like tickles and giggles!'
I added, 'I like cuddles too!'
Then she said, 'And hugs!'
It was a lovely way to start the day and it was a good day, productive at work, organised at home and a different routine in the evening - Alice has usually had supper by the time I get home, so I planned to take her straight upstairs for a major bath (hair washing included!), then PJs before a cuddle in front of the TV and a story, it worked really well and we spent better time together than usual.

Today was a short day - Alice's new nursery has different hours (as I found to my cost last week!) and it leaves me with a short day to get my jobs done. Today I managed to get several jobs completed that Alice doesn't enjoy so it was an effective day.

THE INEPT PARENTING AWARD GOES TO . . .

. . . ME! Uh-oh!!

I thought that the finishing time of nursery was like it's starting time - a range, it isn't so I was over 15 minutes late collecting Alice and very embarrassed. It's very unlike me, when I have to be somewhere at a particular time I tend to be early rather than late.

Alice was fine. I apologised to all and on the way home I apologised to Alice again, I told her it was an accident, that I was sorry and now I knew that I'd got it wrong I'd try not to let it happen again (traffic permitting), her response, 'Don't worry Mummy it's an accident and I love you!'

I feel very guilty about it, despite the fact that it was a genuine misunderstanding, but I wish it could have happened in a situation where I'm better known. But most of all I'm blown away by Alice's laid back attitude.

THE END OF THE WEEK

. . . for work at least! It's only one day a week but it's exhausting.

I'm working with a new colleague but with the same children in a new room. I never sleep the night before a new term and last night proved the point, so I was groggy before it started, but luckily that didn't set the tone for the day, it was good and now I'm relieved.

THE END OF DAY ONE

. . . I got there 20 minutes early and got one of the last parking spaces! I decided to stay in the car and wait for a while, but within minutes lots of people seemed to be heading towards the school, so I did too. I didn't want to wait within sight of Nursery, in case Alice saw me before home time, but I soon realised that the door must already be open. Alice was crying . . . I quickly realised that it was the other Alice!! My Alice came to the door with all her belongings but in someone else's clothes - she'd had an accident - they'd changed everything except her vest, odd, as her vest and polo were the same length. I think I'm going to leave a change of outfit in a bag at school.

I gave her a Sn*ck Tr*p of cheesy biscuits for the journey home and gave her a present for having such a good first day, a CD of Be*uty and the Be*st, she was delighted and we listened all the way home - Alice didn't stop smiling, except for when she was munching! I asked her if she wanted to go back, 'No!', I asked her if she wanted to go home and go back another day, 'Yes!'

A successful day, no tears and she ate all but a couple of bites of her sandwich. Alice is exhausted, I am too, but most of all I'm relieved!!

MIXED EMOTIONS

Sad. Sad that the weather is already autumnal, despite not really having much warm or sunny weather this summer. Sad that the summer holidays are over. Sad that Alice was still asleep when I left for work this morning. Sad that I got to spend less than 2 hours with my baby today.

Worried. Worried about Alice's new beginnings this week, worried how she'll cope, if she'll cry, how she'll manage a packed lunch. Worried about new situations. Worried about Little Sis, will it happen, will she have to wait long for us to hold her? Always worried.

Wondering. Wondering how this term will progress. Wondering how Alice will adapt. Wondering about Little Sis.

Relieved. Relieved that the first day of term is over. Relieved that introductions are complete. Relieved that plans have been made.

Grateful. Grateful to have someone so special that every moment apart is a moment missed. Grateful to hear, 'I love my Mummy!' and small feet running towards me (unprompted) as I close the front door coming home. Grateful for squeezy hugs and sloppy kisses. Grateful to have found such a welcoming environment for Alice's education. Grateful for my 4 legged friends love and devotion (and for keeping my feet warm!) Grateful to have a job in tough times. Grateful to have the opportunity to adopt again.

EFFECTIVE DAY

Some days I get many things done, other days when I'm just as busy I don't get much achieved.

By 11am I'd taxed the car, driven to Alice's new nursery/school, paid this term's bill and bought a huge pile of uniform. By 1pm (a mere 2 hours later!) I'd got home, sewn in all the nametapes and cooked lunch!

I had a lovely catchup with a special friend this afternoon, but I didn't get much else done, well you can't expect too much in just one day!

THIS WEEK'S SLEEP REGIME

We shared a room while we were away. I slept in a double bed at one end of the room and Alice was in a single at the other end of the room. She didn't try to get into my bed during sleep time but she did wake me several times each night when she'd lost either her dummy or panda. I didn't have a single undisturbed night's sleep, something had to change.

When we got home I decided that dummy had to go, I tried but Alice was hysterical and I hadn't done much talking preparation for it, so by 9pm I'd changed the rules - Alice could only have the dummy in her room, if she wanted to sleep in the Special Bed in my room then she had to do it without dummy. For Alice the decision was simple - she chose dummy in her bed! We've been home 3 nights and Alice has slept in her own bed every night, she's cried in the evenings but there's been no disturbance during the night - that's a major step forward in the sleeping arrangements of the past 6 weeks or so!

10:04 BLISS!

Alice let me sleep in, she was awake, singing softly in her bed when I woke after 10am. I needed it, what a treat!

BEING A GROWN-UP FOR THE EVENING!

Alice is having an adventure - a sleepover with T and her sons L and C. Alice was very excited but not at all perturbed at the thought of her adventure, although she did instruct me to stay home and wait for her!

I didn't.

I escaped to be a grown-up for the evening! GFN and I went to the theatre to see the S0und 0f Mus1c, not only did we see C0nn1e F1sher, but we also glimpsed Andrew Ll0yd-Webber and Arlene Ph1l1ps sneak into the audience. I love the film and in situations like that I'm always sceptical about seeing a different version, but it was fantastic, CF was great (she even sounded like Jul1e Andrews) and the bits on stage that were different to the film made sense and it didn't seem a shame for them to have been changed. A fantastic production and I'd recommend seeing it. GFN drove, so I didn't even have the stress of navigating round Cardiff Bay whilst he updated me on all the bits of news that I've missed.

Occasionally it's good to be a grown-up, but only occasionally!

NO PHOTOS OF PHOTOS!

Some time soon Alice and I will be the subjects of a newspaper article about adoption.

Today the newspaper sent a photographer. There were lots of limitations on what we could and couldn't wear:

• no white
• no dark
• no denim
• no trousers
• needed to be bright, patterned, DRESSES (or skirts at a push)

The list completely wiped out every option in my wardrobe. So I ended up wearing a mid-blue wrinkly top and (HORROR!) navy, cropped trousers - you never knew I was a rebel?! Apparently the newspaper won't like my wardrobe choices, but if I'd stuck to their criteria they wouldn't have captured my true spirit. The choice for Alice was (unsurprisingly) much simpler, she wore a sleeveless sundress covered in large, bright pink, roses (a bargain from last summer's B*den sale!)

The photographer brought a make-up artist (!) with him. She made me up with 'light' make-up, it seemed a lot to me and must have taken about 30 minutes to put it all on, I only glanced in the mirror and then later discovered how much she used - it looked fine in the photos but ghastly in the bathroom mirror.

I'd expected photos in the garden or the drawing room but they decided to use the kitchen (a lot of clutter was moved around and some furniture too!) and then some more photos were taken outside in the rain! I don't know how many photos were taken but it was even more than I usually manage, overall they were here for nearly 4 hours. I saw some of the photos and there were several that looked great, I'm hoping that the photographer will send me some after the article's been published.

As for the article - it'll be in the DaIly MaIl at some point in the next few weeks - originally I thought that it was going in tomorrow's issue but now the journalist isn't sure, that's one way to get the circulation figures up!!

GEEK

I dropped Alice at nursery this morning and headed into town. I wanted to try our new cinema, I went alone, I'd checked before we left home and it didn't appear that I needed to book a ticket. I've never been to the cinema alone before but actually it's not bad - let's face it you can't talk through the film anyway! I saw the 9:45 showing of the latest HP film (premiered last night). I've never been to a morning showing before either! It was a reasonable sized screen and there were about 30 of us in the audience - the seats were allocated as you bought them, 5 minutes before the film started a family from school came and sat next to me!! BUSTED!!!

I love the HP stories, I prefer the books to the films as the films seem so much more sinister. HP6? Nearly 3 hours long, didn't seem that long, good film but (as per the book) the ending left us hanging - I think we should have been able to watch HP7 immediately!