EMOTIONS BEFORE ADOPTING

K commented:
"I am SO darned impressed with your mindset, I wish I had felt that way while we were waiting on Miss E. I feel that way now, it's so much easier after!"

It was a very kind comment and I'm flattered but I don't want to give the wrong impression. I do feel that when the timing is right that Little Sis will be ready to come home, however it will be much easier to believe that after she's home - I certainly didn't have that level of belief while I was waiting for Alice. Also I'm a worrier, I can worry about almost anything.

The stages before adoption settle into distinct phases - discussion & paperwork, consideration, approval (or not, can't tempt fate), more paperwork (for IA), waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting (yes, it seems to go on forever), uncertainty, referral, elation and uncertainty, and then (finally) handover and the beginning of life together. I will probably worry at every stage of this process - I think that I worry more than most and it's not helped by being single - I carry the responsibility alone and don't have anyone to balance my fears or listen to the worries. All through I will worry about the final outcome and how we'll cope, but I'll worry about completing every stage. It's the uncertainty and the waiting that I find hardest of all.

By restarting the process I've returned to the easier part of the process, where I can actually do something to keep myself busy and constructive towards the adoption, therefore also keeping my emotions under better control. There are plenty of things on my 'to do' list at the moment, there always are, but this evening I did a mock up of our family introduction book. Last January, when I passed Panel for Thailand, I celebrated by buying Alice a princess dress and Little Sis a talking photo album (this one).

Tonight I finally filled the album and recorded a narrative to it, it's not complete but it's something to show the SW and Panel too, but by then there will probably be many different photos in it! It only holds 8 photos, I used what I already had on my hard drive:

1. Me and Alice (should probably be me alone but I haven't got a good one - another thing for the 'to do' list!)
2. Alice
3. Boo and Fuss
4. Pud
5. Playroom
6. Garden including the 'Park'
7. The nursery - but as it is for Alice, with her named blanket, pandas, Chinese artwork etc
8. Home
   

Each photo has a short narrative with it, I want Alice to say some of them but that's going to take practice!

DELIGHTED, RELIEVED AND A BIT EMOTIONAL!

After a very different experience attending an Adoption Panel, they took a blink of an eye to agree to my wish to adopt a Special Needs child from Thailand. My SW said that I charmed them. I was calm and coherent and despite my nerves it wasn't an unpleasant experience!! Phew.

To celebrate I went shopping! I bought Alice a 'pincess' outfit and Little Sis a photo album that can have a voice recording with it - hopefully to send in a care package after referral. It's the beginning of the next paperchase - extra documents for Thailand, but we're a huge step closer and I'm very relieved!

RED THREADS

There is an ancient Chinese belief about red threads, it's referred to in the adoption community, it goes something like this:
the red threads join those who are destined to be together, the thread may twist and turn but never breaks

Tonight I was talking to a special friend (you know who you are and I told you I'd be blogging about it). We were talking about knitting - she's just starting a blanket for a baby that she's waiting for, I told her about Alice's blankets and in the process of the conversation we looked back to the beginnings of this blog - October 2006 - the month that Alice was born. There were so many red threads for Alice, so many that I was amazed:

• On Monday (6 days before Alice was born) I finished her first blanket. Later in the week I started her second (but I have yet to finish it).
• On Thursday (3 days before Alice was born) I wrote in this post "After all those worries about how this week would be, it's been good - can I do it again next week please?" I can't believe how significant that week was and just how special it was then, even more special than I realised.
  
• On Friday (2 days to go) I blogged about the nursery and all the things that were 'Waiting for Whatshername' - including the taggy, chime ball and roly turtle that I took to China.
• On Saturday (just hours to go) I blogged about the curtain fabrics that I'd seen, including the one that I finally chose over 7 months later. I also blogged about names for Whatshername - Alice was on the list but not at the top! It was also the anniversary of the day my papers were sent to China.
• On the day Alice was born the blog turned pink and her first baby blanket (that I'd knitted) was given back to me (from a special friend who'd crocheted the edging) - because I remember being given back the finished blanket I remember the day that she was born.
• Not only that but it was the year that I got sent lots and lots of flowers for my birthday, I usually get a bunch or two but not as many as the week that Alice was born.

Too many for coincidences, I believe in fate and red threads - thank heavens for the blog too!

DECADENCE!

Blogging from my bed!

Before leaving for China I switched to a wireless network at home - partly because I needed to switch providers and partly in case Whatshername was a poor sleeper. Recently I remembered this setup and now I'm online upstairs - meaning my brain can stop racing as I can blog when I remember stuff!

REALITIES OF MOTHERHOOD!

Sunday, in need of baby supplies, trip to A's - I wanted to go to a superstore with a decent baby clothes department (can't imagine why!)

Checked www for location and opening times. Got there - 10 minutes before opening!! That's the reality of motherhood, up and out of the house before 9.30 on a Sunday!! Just think, 3 months ago it was a struggle to be at aqua for 11am.

LOOKING AFTER WHATSHERNAME - A REMINDER!

This is SO important that I'm repeating an earlier post.

By the time we meet she will be 8 and a half months old. I will be her 5th main care giver in a little over 8 months - first were her birth parents, then the orphanage workers, then her foster parents, then the orphanage workers again and finally me. She won't understand that I will be permanent. She will have been abandoned 4 times. She needs to learn that I'm Mummy, I'm forever and I'll always look after her - difficult concepts at any time but especially when you're as little as she will be.

So I have to do all that I can to help her learn that I'm her Mum and what mummies are all about. I've been to several seminars about attachment, how important it is and how to do all that I can to help Whatshername 'attach' to me. But it's not just about 'us', Whatshername and me, it's about our friends and family too - because it has implications for everyone who will be around us in the first months at home, they're not all the most pleasant - but please remember that this is about Whatshername and it's in her best interests.

She has to learn that I will always be there and will meet her needs (many babies actually have to unlearn being independent and learn how to be a baby and let Mummy look after them). This means that I have to be the one to meet all her needs - feed her, bathe her, change her nappy, hold her.

I know that you've been waiting for her too. I know that you really want to get to know her. I know that you want to love her and for her to love you. All of these things will happen, but Whatshername needs to learn about me first. Until she understands Mummy, she won't be able to understand about friends and family.

It's not about being selfish, it's about being her Mum and knowing what's best for her. I know that some of you won't understand and think that I'm being over-protective but an adopted child has different needs to a child who has always been in the same loving, stable environment. Some of you may think that I'm molly-coddling or babying her - but I will be doing what the adoption experts recommend is best for Whatshername.

What it means for my friends and family is that you won't be able to hold her for a while. I don't know how long, it depends how Whatshername reacts and how quickly she attaches. You will be able to meet her, touch her, talk to her and play with her but not hold her, yet. It may just be for a month or two, but it maybe six months or more.

Once we are home and over the jet-lag I need to get her into a routine - part of this will be keeping life simple for a while. For an adopted infant it is very easy to become hyper-stimulated and then the brain shuts-off and bonding and learning is put on hold. So I need to keep life simple, that means keeping home the same, staying home and doing the same things day after day, keeping things calm and predictable.

She may reach out for you, make good eye contact etc - this won't necessarily mean that she's securely attached to me. She may cry every time I leave her sight - again it wouldn't mean she was healthily attached. Babies learn to survive whatever way they can and by 6 months old they can react to different situations to protect their interests - remember that the 'charming' and 'easy' baby in the orphanage may have been held for longer, or fed first - babies adapt. Because they adapt, she may not have attachment issues - but I will treat her in this way until we know otherwise.

Remember I've been waiting for her for so long, but she hasn't been waiting for me, she won't understand what is going on - she may grieve for a while, she may be angry, she's bound to be frightened and confused - this means I have to be quick to meet her needs, I have to be consistent in meeting her needs - she needs to learn to trust me and to understand that I will always be there.

Please remember this is not about you, or me, it's about Whatshername and what's best for her. It won't be easy for me either, but it's incredibly important and I need your help to look after Whatshername.

THE NURSERY - AS IT USED TO BE!

This is one of the photos that went in my application to China.

The nursery was originally my step-father's dressing room, with pale blue walls and a grey blue carpet.

It's been changing over the last 4 weeks or so, major changes although not in the most common sense order!

After the furniture had been cleared out the first addition was the cotbed. Then (early last week) the walls turned pink and the new lampshade was hung. Today the carpet was replaced - now it's a golden colour.

The cotbed's still in there, but now more furniture needs to go in there too - a white rocking chair, a single bed and a bedside table (though it's going next to the rocking chair and not the bed!)

Tomorrow the curtain rail will be put up and then a week next Monday the new curtains will be hung. At some stage while I'm away (I hope) the changing table will be delivered. Also to go in there is a dolls' house set of shelves.

It's coming together, at last.

THINKING AHEAD

. . . 2 weeks from now, when you wake in the UK or US timezones, I'll be in China.

Not just anywhere in China, but for the first time I'll be in the same city as my daughter, close to her birthplace (maybe, we'll never know), the place where she's spent most of her life (maybe all, again we'll never know).

Our lives will be about to change, forever. The changes in my life will seem huge, but they're nothing compared to what's going to happen to her. I've longed for this change, I've created this change, I've planned for this change and I've made this change happen. But for Whatshername - she doesn't know this is going to happen, it's happening to her without her having any control over the change, she'll be totally unprepared and (hopefully only to begin with) she probably won't want it to happen.

The changes in her life will be enormous, nothing will be the same. Some of the changes will happen immediately (such as handover, after some paperwork, they literally just give her to me with immediate full custody), other changes will be more gradual (leaving China) - but all the major changes will happen to her within 10 days or so.

So when you meet her, please remember how much she has already gone through and how confused and anxious she is probably feeling - that's why she needs her mummy, she needs calm and compassionate 'non'handling' (please leave her with her mummy - while you can talk and touch her let mummy hold her to reassure her).

PREPARATIONS RUMBLE ON! PART 2

N's got his passport back, with Visa included.

My fab Travel Agent has confirmed the seating bookings for the long flight home - the sky cot was already saved in 1 location, so we have to go 'upstairs', that'll be a first for me. There are only 20 or so seats up there, the other passengers are going to b*mmed when they realise that they have a 13+ hour flight with an 8 month old. I'm ready to be the most unpopular passenger on the plane - as a lone passenger wouldn't have wanted to sit anywhere near me with Whatshername!

At home the decorators have started. They're doing the nursery, the hall (it's huge and hasn't been done for many years) and part of the outside (that'll be the end of the work from replacing the windows). Each set of paint is causing problems!! The nursery problems are the simplest - indecision! The hall - matching the old colour (without a colour card) and getting hold of the manufacturer to order the bl*ssed stuff. Outside is causing the most hassle - I want yellow, but it's hard to find in exterior paint as (apparently) the yellow pigments tend to fade, I choose a colour only to find that it wasn't an option for exteriors (but it was the decorator who bought it for me!!)

So the nursery wall is dotted with 1 yellow patch and many pink ones - they're also painted on pieces of paper so that I can take the 'winner' with me when I go to choose the carpet this morning. That means I have to make a decision in the next 48 minutes!! Ugh, I'm being to hate making decisions.

NURSERY CURTAINS, ALMOST A COLOURSCHEME!

I've ordered the curtains - pink and yellow patchwork. The decorator starts tomorrow, not sure yet if the walls will be pink or yellow, luckily he's got the outside of the house and the hall to paint too!!

EMOTIONS

Saturday was a big day:

• Whatshername's cot bed was delivered and assembled,
• I bought a car seat.

Seeing them in-situ makes her feel more real and can make me quite emotional.

3 more weeks, 21 days, huge changes - probably the biggest of my life. Wow.

A GIGGLE ON GOOGLE!

I've been trying to find out more information on the Mutsy - I think that it comes in a 4 wheel, light weight version with a leather handle, but I can't find it online.

So . . .

. . . I did what most people would do and 'googled' it . . . and came up with THIS blog as the first result!! Funny but not that useful.

RETAIL RESEARCH

More on pushchairs!

The M*tsy 4 r#der l~te is top of my list at the moment, because:

• it has a reversible seat unit,
• the seat unit reclines (not just rotates like a lot of pushchairs)
• it has a variable height handle
• it seems quite manoeuvrable
• I like it!

However my cousin K had a bad experience with a different M*tsy product - handled beautifully in the shop but badly once a baby was on-board! So I'm taking my shopping back to the shop to try the 4 rider lite when it's loaded!!

But before I commit to it I still want to try the Bloom Baby Soho Urban pushchair, only 1 problem - they're not available yet in the UK!!

It seems to be like a Bugaboo, but will recline. Not being a fan of turquoise - I wouldn't have it in this combination, luckily they do it in black too.

A COMMENT THAT DESERVES ITS OWN POST!

A message from my buddy S - a fellow prospective adoptive parent, but she's better qualified than me, with 4 almost grown birth children and a beautiful God-daughter (I think?) from China!

You go girl, what a great idea to put this on your blog....no matter how you tell friends and family these things there is always someone who takes the umphhh...
Parenting an adopted child who has had other primary carers is different to parenting biological kiddies....
you are so on the right track....
She is yours and you will be a forever beautiful family!!!!YAY
blessings and more blessings to you,
all our support and bestest wishes
love
s

Thanks S - your agreement and support means a lot to me! x

PREPARATIONS RUMBLE ON! TICKETS AND VISAS

The blog's been quiet in the last week or so . . . because there's so much going on behind the scenes:

• flight tickets have been confirmed
• visa obtained
• even more shopping research completed.

It's been very emotional as well.

The lovely Juliet from Jigsaw Travel has reduced me to tears several times this week - referring to 'your daughter', 'your baby' and 'sky cots'. She was extremely efficient, friendly and understanding - and she managed to get me a much, much better deal on 4 flights than I had managed for just 2! I can't recommend Jigsaw highly enough. They are fab.

Visa, wow, what an experience! I was at the Chinese Embassy office by 7.40am on Friday morning (as advised by my Yahoo Adoption Group). I was about 13th in the queue. By the time the office opened at 9am there must have been over 150 people in the queue. The agency representatives were at the front of the queue, they're the experts, but they're very friendly and share their experiences with those who need to know and organise everyone in the queue!! Then I went off for some retail research at John Lewis, but I was there by 9:20 and the shop doesn't open until 9:30! I returned to the basement of the Embassy by 10:30 (as advised by the agency reps) and joined the next queue, about 20th this time and in the last available seat! The same day service returns at 11:30. By the time 11:30 came around there must have been over 100 in the queue, which snaked around the room, out of the door and up the steps. I got to the payment window by about 12:00, paid (£50) and then went to the next window to get my passport back - at this stage I didn't know whether or not I had succeeded, I had. Once I'd checked I went back outside, up to ground level, lent against a railing and cried with relief! I hadn't realised how wound up about the process I had been, I knew how important the visa was and I knew that 'officially' I didn't have the correct paperwork - although others have succeeded with the same documents as I had used. Phew, big relief, only 1 more piece of paperwork between me and Whatshername.

Advice to others seeking a visa from the Chinese Embassy:

• get there as early as possible, before 7:45
• grab a coffee and breakfast on the way there - to eat in the queue
• make sure you have the form that has Chinese characters throughout it (not just at the top)
• get back to the basement collection room early, before 10:30 - it will be worth an hour in the queue before the window opens for the time you save after 11:30
  
• be patient
• paperwork - passport, application and ITT (if possible) - I didn't take ITT but I did give in a copy of my acceptance letter
• the agency experts say that Mondays, Fridays and school holidays are always the busiest days, avoid them if you can
• take cash for payment - they don't accept cheques or debit / credit cards
  
• go in person - it's a nerve wracking morning but part of the adoption experience!

As for the shopping - I'm still looking for a pushchair but have decided on a car sear - Britax First Class, surprisingly not Isofix as they couldn't be fitted nearly as securely!

LOOKING AFTER WHATSHERNAME

In a month I will finally meet Whatshername.

By the time we meet she will be 8 and a half months old. I will be her fourth main care giver in a little over 8 months - first were her birth parents, then the orphanage workers, then her foster parents and finally me. She won't understand that I will be permanent. She will have been abandoned 3 times. She needs to learn that I'm Mummy, I'm forever and I'll always look after her - difficult concepts at any time but especially when you're as little as she will be.

So I have to do all that I can to help her learn that I'm her Mum and what mummies are all about. I've been to several seminars about attachment, how important it is and how to do all that I can to help Whatshername 'attach' to me. But it's not just about 'us', Whatshername and me, it's about our friends and family too - because it has implications for everyone who will be around us in the first months at home, they're not all the most pleasant - but please remember that this is about Whatshername and it's in her best interests.

She has to learn that I will always be there and will meet her needs (many babies actually have to unlearn being independent and learn how to be a baby and let Mummy look after them). This means that I have to be the one to meet all her needs - feed her, bathe her, change her nappy, hold her.

I know that you've been waiting for her too. I know that you really want to get to know her. I know that you want to love her and for her to love you. All of these things will happen, but Whatshername needs to learn about me first. Until she understands Mummy, she won't be able to understand about friends and family.

It's not about being selfish, it's about being her Mum and knowing what's best for her. I know that some of you won't understand and think that I'm being over-protective but an adopted child has different needs to a child who has always been in the same loving, stable environment. Some of you may think that I'm molly-coddling or babying her - but I will be doing what the adoption experts recommend is best for Whatshername.

What it means for my friends and family is that you won't be able to hold her for a while. I don't know how long, it depends how Whatshername reacts and how quickly she attaches. You will be able to meet her, touch her, talk to her and play with her but not hold her, yet. It may just be for a month or two, but it maybe six months or more.

Once we are home and over the jet-lag I need to get her into a routine - part of this will be keeping life simple for a while. For an adopted infant it is very easy to become hyper-stimulated and then the brain shuts-off and bonding and learning is put on hold. So I need to keep life simple, that means keeping home the same, staying home and doing the same things day after day, keeping things calm and predictable.

She may reach out for you, make good eye contact etc - this won't necessarily mean that she's securely attached to me. She may cry every time I leave her sight - again it wouldn't mean she was healthily attached. Babies learn to survive whatever way they can and by 6 months old they can react to different situations to protect their interests - remember that the 'charming' and 'easy' baby in the orphanage may have been held for longer, or fed first - babies adapt. Because they adapt, she may not have attachment issues - but I will treat her in this way until we know otherwise.

Remember I've been waiting for her for so long, but she hasn't been waiting for me, she won't understand what is going on - she may grieve for a while, she may be angry, she's bound to be frightened and confused - this means I have to be quick to meet her needs, I have to be consistent in meeting her needs - she needs to learn to trust me and to understand that I will always be there.

Please remember this is not about you, or me, it's about Whatshername and what's best for her. It won't be easy for me either, but it's incredibly important and I need your help to look after Whatshername.

ATTACHMENT CHECKLIST

Important stuff, taken from http://www.a4everfamily.org Here are signs that infants are not attached to their main carers: 1. Cries; miserable all the time, chronically fussy

2. Resists comforting or nurturance

3. Resists or dislikes being held

4. Poor eye contact or avoids eye contact

5. Flat, lifeless affect (too quiet)

6. Likes playpen or crib more than being held

7. Rarely cries (overly good baby)

8. Angry or rageful when cries

9. Exceedingly demanding

10. Looks sad or empty-eyed

11. Wants to hold bottle as soon as possible

12. Stiffens or becomes rigid when held

13. Prefers being held with back toward mother

14. Does not hold on when being held (no reciprocal holding)

15. When held chest to chest, faces away

16. Does not return or reciprocate hugs

17. Generally unresponsive to parent

18. Cries or rages when held beyond his wishes

19. Overly independent play or makes no demands

20. Reaches for others to hold him rather than parent

21. Little or reduced verbal responsiveness

22. Does not return smiles

23. Shows very little imitative behavior

24. Prefers Dad to Mom

25. Gets in and out of parents lap frequently

26. Physically restless when sleeping

27. Does not react to pain (high pain tolerance)

CARSEATS, A DECISION?

This is the one I'm considering.

Maxi-Cosi Priori Fix in Happy Flower - YES, EVEN HER CARSEAT WILL BE PINK!!

Anyone have any good or bad experiences of it?

My reasons for choosing this one:

• it's Isofix and compatible with my car,
• the fabric's softer than the B*tax equivalent
• the seat is more padded than the B*tax equivalent
• it scores highly in the safety tests
• it's pink!
  

CARSEATS

Opinions needed.

I know I want an Isofix seat - that narrows the options dramatically, it's basically down to 2 brands, Maxicosi or Britax.

So please tell me your thoughts as I'm baffled!!

SHOPPING SPREE!!

Clothes, clothes and more clothes! As well as monitors, thermometers, nail clippers, melamine 'crockery' (should be plasticery!), pink flat sheets, pink fitted sheets, bottle brushes, baby shampoo and nappy cream. Spent a fortune, still need quite a lot more.


The first outfit is a particularly special one - it's one of my favourites I bought this in a much smaller size for A. I'm hoping that Whatshername will wear this in the Autumn, but I'm keeping the tags on in case she's bigger than UK clothing sizes!!






2 pairs of summer short dungarees from Next. I've decided that I'm going to buy 9-12 months for the summer, as she'll be nearly 9 months when we meet.












Pink onesies for sleeping and socks from Hennes. I've been told never to buy 1 pair but always at least 2 - so that when the inevitable sock goes missing the other can still be used! (Any more handy hints anyone?)










3 tops from Baby Gap. The white bolero is to soothe the 'Clothing Police' in China (Granny aged Chinese women who don't approve of seeing exposed skin on babies!)







Gorgeous swimming costume from Monsoon - with room for a swim nappy underneath!