LOOKING AFTER WHATSHERNAME

In a month I will finally meet Whatshername.

By the time we meet she will be 8 and a half months old. I will be her fourth main care giver in a little over 8 months - first were her birth parents, then the orphanage workers, then her foster parents and finally me. She won't understand that I will be permanent. She will have been abandoned 3 times. She needs to learn that I'm Mummy, I'm forever and I'll always look after her - difficult concepts at any time but especially when you're as little as she will be.

So I have to do all that I can to help her learn that I'm her Mum and what mummies are all about. I've been to several seminars about attachment, how important it is and how to do all that I can to help Whatshername 'attach' to me. But it's not just about 'us', Whatshername and me, it's about our friends and family too - because it has implications for everyone who will be around us in the first months at home, they're not all the most pleasant - but please remember that this is about Whatshername and it's in her best interests.

She has to learn that I will always be there and will meet her needs (many babies actually have to unlearn being independent and learn how to be a baby and let Mummy look after them). This means that I have to be the one to meet all her needs - feed her, bathe her, change her nappy, hold her.

I know that you've been waiting for her too. I know that you really want to get to know her. I know that you want to love her and for her to love you. All of these things will happen, but Whatshername needs to learn about me first. Until she understands Mummy, she won't be able to understand about friends and family.

It's not about being selfish, it's about being her Mum and knowing what's best for her. I know that some of you won't understand and think that I'm being over-protective but an adopted child has different needs to a child who has always been in the same loving, stable environment. Some of you may think that I'm molly-coddling or babying her - but I will be doing what the adoption experts recommend is best for Whatshername.

What it means for my friends and family is that you won't be able to hold her for a while. I don't know how long, it depends how Whatshername reacts and how quickly she attaches. You will be able to meet her, touch her, talk to her and play with her but not hold her, yet. It may just be for a month or two, but it maybe six months or more.

Once we are home and over the jet-lag I need to get her into a routine - part of this will be keeping life simple for a while. For an adopted infant it is very easy to become hyper-stimulated and then the brain shuts-off and bonding and learning is put on hold. So I need to keep life simple, that means keeping home the same, staying home and doing the same things day after day, keeping things calm and predictable.

She may reach out for you, make good eye contact etc - this won't necessarily mean that she's securely attached to me. She may cry every time I leave her sight - again it wouldn't mean she was healthily attached. Babies learn to survive whatever way they can and by 6 months old they can react to different situations to protect their interests - remember that the 'charming' and 'easy' baby in the orphanage may have been held for longer, or fed first - babies adapt. Because they adapt, she may not have attachment issues - but I will treat her in this way until we know otherwise.

Remember I've been waiting for her for so long, but she hasn't been waiting for me, she won't understand what is going on - she may grieve for a while, she may be angry, she's bound to be frightened and confused - this means I have to be quick to meet her needs, I have to be consistent in meeting her needs - she needs to learn to trust me and to understand that I will always be there.

Please remember this is not about you, or me, it's about Whatshername and what's best for her. It won't be easy for me either, but it's incredibly important and I need your help to look after Whatshername.