THE REALITY OF ADOPTION DAY AND LIFE AFTERWARDS

A screaming child is placed in my arms.

This is not a newborn. It’s a child who already has a personality. It's a child who is used to being handled by someone who knows what they're doing.

It’s a child who has been ripped from all she knows:

· the people who have cared for her and kept her alive,

· the language she has been able to understand even if she couldn’t speak it

· the food she is used to

· the other kids

· her schedule

· her crib

· her cribmate.

It’s all gone and she’s with this woman she’s never seen before and she can’t understand what is being said and the food is different. Scared and grieving does not even begin to describe things.

Some babies just completely shut down and appear to be autistic, but after three or four days they start coming around and you begin to see the real child. It can take weeks (or months) for the grieving to stop, but after several days I should begin to see little pieces of her personality. Some children have different survival mechanisms and I might immediately see a little bubbly personality, this does not mean there is no grief, it could just mean that their survival instincts are telling them to be cute and lovable.

I know this transition to a family is for the best in the long run, but all the child knows is how they feel right now, and they are scared and mad and grieving. Some move through it faster than others. Some seem to move through it in China and then backtrack once they are home. Some show their bubbly personality in China and then show the grief in Britain (or whatever country they are going to).

When we're in China she'll still hear Chinese in the restaurants and out on the street, still get some Chinese food and the unique smells of China are still there.

But once we are home everything familiar to them is gone. By then I'll probably have switched her to British formula, she probably won't be getting congee every morning now that it’s not on a buffet anymore, I probably won't be able to make steamed eggs exactly like they were in China. The smells are different, and no one is speaking Chinese anymore.

She might be able to keep their minds off of that during the day, when she's active and there is much to keep her occupied. But when her mind starts quieting down to go to sleep it all comes back, and there is still grief. So some babies just don’t go to sleep. Combine this with jet lag and it’s really not fun.

These are some of the issues I am preparing for - rose tinted spectacles are a common starting point for Post Adoption Depression. I don't want the reality of parenting to be a disappointment, if I'm really lucky I won't have to deal with many of these effects for long but at least if I know about them I can alter my expectations.

(with thanks to the Rumour Queen for aspects of this post.)