Whilst I was talking to the aqua instructor, several of the supermarket staff came over to admire Alice, particularly her hair.
Strangers touching my daughter, it's happened many times (in fact nearly every time we go out someone comments on her hair and feels it without invitation.) It doesn't matter if she's in the buggy, the trolley, the baby carrier or my arms, they still touch. It's an invasion of personal space - mine and Alice's, and I don't feel it's appropriate. It's all done in a very friendly way, but I still don't like it.
Other than telling me to 'chill', any suggestions?
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Kate - this is certainly a tricky and sensitive one. Because I'm an inherently open and outgoing person, I'm ont bothered by this myself, BUT I'm learning that that it's HER space that I have to consider. So it's not a natural act for me yet and I have to watch this on a regular basis ... what's comfortable for me might not be comfortable for my daughter in years to come. And if it is, then she can decide.
So...one thing that I am doing to help train myself, and something that you might consider doing with Alice, is to cuddle into Alice when people reach out for her. For example, if my daughter is in the trolley, and someone is reaching out to her, I just lean in to her and kiss her head. This usually preempts others from being able to actually touch her. And it's subtle. And I think in a subliminal way that sort of body language makes a gentle but strong point to people - that you are protective of her. It's also a method that I personally think is better for my daughter to observe, rather than her witness me being abrupt or rude.
I agree with you that the vast majority of people are just being lovely and tender when they are reaching out physically to our children. I have a pretty wide personal space so I have to be extra wary about what's happening in my daughter's space. It's really good that you are noticing this now. Hope this is helpful in some way. Ellen x
Hi Alice,
I accidentally stumbled across your blog, and thought I would respond to your question. I also live in Kunming, and have a two year old boy with bright blonde hair and blue eyes. Anytime we walk outside he's the primary focus of...well...everyone. He's also pretty heavy, so women are always walking up to him and saying "ni tai pangle! hao ke ai" (you're too fat! How cute!). Anytime we go to a restaurant the waitresses will take him off and play with him until the food arrives. When we first moved here and he was in a stroller, women would come up and grab him out of the stroller to hug him. At first, it made us very uncomfortable because we come from a Western culture where these actions are not only invasive, but somewhat offensive.
What we've learned is that this is an extremely communal culture (as opposed to our western individualistic cultures). Other children and their parents refer to our son as "xiao didi" (little brother). He calls them "wo gege" (my older brother). In Kunming, if the people around you feel that you are part of their community they will embrace you as family...especially if they feel you are trying to embrace their culture in anyway whatsoever (i.e. adopting a Chinese child). I think that the touching is something that comes with the terrain, and it can be offensive to tell people no.
Still, there are plenty of times that I've had to say no. For a few months our son didn't like anyone touching him and would get visibly upset when people did. Being his daddy, I would have to step in at those times and say "Ta bu xi huan" (he doesn't like it), or "qing qu" (please go). Although they would sometimes be a little upset, people would usually leave him alone at that point. One time a lady did slap me on the arm and scowl at me, but if that's what it takes to give my child privacy when he desires it, that's what has to be done.
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